Stuck.

“Change your mind, change your life,” they say.
“The only way out is in.”
Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.

 

So, I’ve been resisting life lately. Most likely because I have no major hurdle to distract me or a “next” that’s pre-planned [other than the whole get-a-job-and-make-sure-I’m-employed thing, but ya know, after what I’ve just accomplished on less than half a tank, I’m betting (read: hoping, praying, please baby Jesus) that part will be cake]. And part of that is majorly resisting looking in because well, folks, it ain’t pretty. I’m not ready. Too much avoidance of too many things for far too long.

 

Too much
Pretending life’s alright
When it’s kind of all wrong
…or at least not right.

 

Bu maybe I’m being dramatic.
Too sensitive. Whining.
“You didn’t really go through a lot, did you?” “Nothing affects you anyway.” “It wasn’t that bad, was it?”

 

…no? …yes? Honestly, I don’t know. Like, what’s the gauge to shittyness? Any at all, if you ask me. A lot has changed since my time away from this, from writing and reflecting. And a lot has stayed the same. For one, I’m still idealistic. Fatal flaw, perhaps? Maybe. Maybe not. Again, don’t want to be dramatic, but, back to my point, I sincerely believe in things like basic human rights and that human beings shouldn’t have to endure pain or suffering. Scratch that. I believe that human beings shouldn’t have to endure senseless pain or suffering, especially when they’re at their most vulnerable, defenseless.

 

I get that we can’t escape all pain. Scrapes and bruises, literal and figurative, are part of our existence. I get it. Life’s not all peaches and cream. I get it. Unicorns and pots of gold don’t exist (debatable?). I get it. I get it. I get it.

 

But maybe I don’t want to.

 

That was a brief detour to basically say that there’s a lot I haven’t written about. Or talked about. About pain and suffering and vulnerability and defenselessness. Avoidance fo sho. And I pretty sure this pit-in-the-stomach-something’s-off-I’m-feeling-hella-stuck haze that’s been following me around is partly (mostly?) based on that.

 

So, I’ve been wondering, maybe I’ve been doing this all wrong. Maybe I’m supposed to suffer through it. Or tolerate it, accept it as a part of human life. Not avoid. But instead I’ve been running. I’ve been running since I would walk, at least in my head I have been. And then, as soon as I could, I left. Every time things got hard or I got hurt, I left. Strings attached, always.

 

I want to be grateful
I am grateful
Despite it all, because of it all, I — am– grateful
To them, to him, to her. …to life, mostly, if I’m being honest

 

But can I be grateful and run?

 

I don’t know…

 

And then I think, maybe I’ve been doing it all right. Maybe I’m not supposed to tolerate what’s given to me, what’s imposed upon me. When someone hurts you or something’s not working or someone won’t change, you leave…right?

 

If this feels fragmented, it’s probably because it is. Pieces are floating in my head and slowly coming together. But probably not today.

 

So, what’s your vote? Suffer through and not avoid –or– be grateful and run? …probably some sort of an amalgamation of the two? Yeah, I thought so. I’ll meet you inside.

 ♡ Clouds

 

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