Maybe it’s pride, but…

Transitions can bring about the good, the bad, and the ugly. They can show you what you’re made of. They can illuminate the true nature of certain relationships in your life. They can drive you a bit crazy. Or they can fill you with confidence. They can also knock you on your ass. We’ve all had them, to one extent or another. Sometimes, those moments lead to impulsive (read: long time coming) reflections. This one comes after about 3 weeks in a new city, a week and a half into my new role as a legit professional, and after several interactions that made me have more negative reactions that I would have like. Following this, I also had several moments that humbled me (like “fall on my ass and need someone to pick me up” humble). I’ll explore allll that more fully later perhaps. I recognize that the first part is fueled by frustration and is momentary and undoubtedly eclipsed by the countless blessings and Godwinks that have filled my life. And I know that I being forcefully humbled is part of what has been happening through inadvertently lost packages and semi0broken into cars where the “robbers” take only a few dollars and a couple pairs of cheap sunglasses while leaving behind chargers, usbs, and other electronics (thank you, Universe/God/Creators of life).  I don’t know if I’m through the forest yet, in the metaphorical sense, but for now, I’ll reflect on my process in hopes that you can relate and let the keys do the work as I let the thoughts flow through my fingers. Maybe it’s pride…

Maybe it’s pride, but…
I don’t need your colonial thinking
no white man to save me
no shortcuts or handouts
no protector to aid me

Maybe it’s pride, but…
trust I know how to struggle
I don’t mind a good fight
I know how to bend
I can adjust my sails
I can make it to the end

Maybe it’s pride, but…
I know I’m reliable
I know that I’m wise
capable and competent
years of training, plus
filled with common sense

Maybe it’s pride, but…
I don’t need you to help me
so please don’t fill me with doubt
I don’t need your assumptions
your protection, your clout

Maybe it’s pride, but…
I can’t put my gloves down
I’m so used to fighting
your assumptions are weighing
your savior mentality
won’t keep me from slaying

Maybe it’s pride, but…
I do want you to be there
but be there authentically
and because you are kind
not to feed your ego
not to ease your mind

I guess it was pride…
I just wish you could be here
to share in my joy, to titrate my pain
to hear of my growth
to know I recognize my mistakes

I guess it was pride…
I just can’t find that balance
I don’t know how to ask
I want your help, your guidance, your strength
I just need you to recognize
and not to place blame

I guess it was pride…
I’ve kept my defenses up
I keep medicating and trying to fight
but really, I’m tired and I want this to end
I’d like you to help me
without having to pretend or defend

I guess it was pride…
So I’ll try to let go, I’ll try to give in
to accept your offerings
and to develop thicker skin,
but do me a favor and try to conceive
of a different possibility
where an independent woman can win

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