“I’ve been sleepwalking
been wandering all night
trying to take what’s lost and broken
and make it right
I’ve been sleepwalking
too close the fire…” – Cam
That’s what I’ve been doing the past few months. Sleepwalking. And I’m wondering if you can relate. Shall we?So about 4 months ago, I ended what felt like a whirlwind few months in a city that had been home. Some would think I’d be heartbroken or sad about leaving friends and family and…well, home. But, truth is, I really wasn’t. Of course, I’ve missed friends turned sisters, my faith community, familiarity, and family…but, I‘ve been stuck in the cycles for so long and something had to give; in this case: location.
I learned that where I was had become toxic. And I spent most of the time reflecting on how others made it so. on how others influences my actions. on “friends” and bitterness and how others actions impacted mine. It made it easy to leave if I focused on the bad I was leaving behind.
I anticipated a new start. in a new city. with motivation. and drive. without distraction. or toxic relationships. I was so ready.
What I didn’t anticipate was having my own toxic actions laid out in front of me as I struggled during the transition. Overall, I feel like I handled stress and unfortunate events with grace…mostly. I coped with positivity and focusing on work during the day and numbing myself at night as best I could. It worked for a bit…until recently.
Beware that your hearts do not become drowsy [by] the anxieties of daily life, and that day catch you by surprise, like a trap. – Luke 21: 34
I’ve been overwhelmed by anxiety, by fear, by doubt. Some days I push past it, using all my energies to quell it’s grip; other days I hold fear’s hand as I accomplish the tasks of the day; and on a few days, fear drags me along, in a different direction than intended, away from my goals.
I’ve learned that I want a different way of dealing with the shittiness life throws, the fear, the doubt…I want a better way. Learning that means that I’ve got to acknowledge that part of me is in the same place I was over 4 years ago.
“They say that time’s supposed to heal ya
but I ain’t done much healing” – Adele
Gotta admit, it’s a little disappointing. But the always optimistic, silver linings part of me is hopeful for change.
I think that we are put in these places not to reflect on the lack of change or progress, but rather to be forced to acknowledge what has changed. It’s definitely a more difficult task, noticing the proverbial positive needle amidst the negative stack of hay. But life has a way of protecting us, or propelling us into achieving the greatness despite our best efforts against it. …at least that’s what I’d like to think. The road can be difficult but I believe if we stay on it, we’ll realize the darkness passes and all that remain are the clouds.