Chipped.

I think Parenthood is ruining/enlightening me.

Clouds? …?

yeah, yeah, I got it friend..you need some exploring, right?

yeah.

I got you. Let’s explore.

I’ve been binge-watching marathoning Parenthood on Netflix. It’s a great show about family and relationships. about the ups and the downs. about marriage and divorce and disabilities and addiction… mostly, it’s about the love and support of family. 

Okay so I’ll admit it now (if I haven’t before…can’t remember, it’s been awhile since I’ve been honest about this particular facet of my life). Truth is, I’m jaded. I’ve got a chip on my shoulder. I’m realizing this now that I’m away from the family that raised me. For the first time in my life, I’m actually away from it all. Away from the direct criticism. Away from the gendered expectations. Away from the problem-solver role bestowed upon me taken up by me. I’m sure you can tell I’m a little bitter. I realized most recently since I’ve literally been physically away. It shows in my head and my heart, during work and training and supervision and interpersonal interactions. The chip is getting annoying. I’m getting annoyed. I was pretty sure moving away would leave me with space to figure it all out, to get answers, to put all the pieces together.

So where did that leave me? Having figured it all out? Having those much needed answers about who I am? Having a eureka-moment that fits all of my pieces into a cohesive identity?

Hells to the no. quite the opposite actually. I lost my shit for a little bit (hence the attempt at infusing my life).

Honestly, I’ve been struggling to figure out my role and was thinking you might relate. Maybe the problem isn’t with my role per se but with figuring where I’m supposed to be… Mostly, there is no “this is where I should be” because I don’t know where this is. I’m still sort of pretty lost.

Yes, I’m 28. Yes, I’m (God-willing) graduating with my doctorate in August of next year. Yes, I know a general path for my career (general meaning I sort of figured out my mission which helped greatly).

I guess maybe the point of this post is to tell myself (and you) that being lost is okay. I don’t have to know where I’m at in life or what I’m doing or where I’m going necessarily. or at least it’s okay to not be able to verbalize those things. I was told today that it seems I’m guided more by intuition and feeling than cognition. And that’s pretty accurate. It sucks sometimes to feel incompetent because I can’t verbalize the feels. But that’s my own problem. That’s my problem. That’s the problem. Following the feels is okay. Plus also too, there are some basic truths in my life that I have figured out, like those stated above. That should be enough. That is enough. Life will continue to twist and turn and fall and rise. …and I am where I should be.

ourselves-quotes-2

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