3 weeks. That’s how long I’ve been in Miami come tomorrow.
so what’s it been like, Clouds?
shitty, that’s what.
…umm are you gonna explore, Clouds, because that’s kinda vague…and sad.
of course, friend. Let’s go.
…actually, before we go, I wanna share a quick side note: it may not seem like it at first, but know that this is a positive post. one of motivation. and change. and life. and learning. I hope you’ll be able to relate to some parts. Maybe to the fall. Maybe to the rise. Maybe to the struggle in between. Whatever part, know that the harshness isn’t the point nor is it overlooking that each struggle is independent to the person. It’s not meant to downplay the difficulty of those of us who swim against the current or clench our fists more than others. It’s simply what I needed, at this moment, to keep going. to keep moving. Despite the shittiness, the silver lining is there. But it takes work. You got this. We got this.
Okay, so life in Miami. Well, it seemed to hand me every shitty circumstance it thought I could handle. It also made sure to add lots of sunshine, clouds, and cute men with accents to throw me off a bit.
Here’s a quick breakdown (bear with me, it’s a doozie…also, I like the word doozie. Challenge: add it to your conversation at least once today). Okay, really, here’s what the past 3 weeks have entailed:
- Roxie, my Scion xB almost died, sat at the mechanics for 4 hrs, had to have the camshaft sensor replaced, got a flat tire driving home that day, roadside assistance sent a new guy…who used a wrong piece…and had to send someone else (total time getting spare on: 2 hours)
- added: sensors have been on the fritz since, going on and off sporadically
- bought a microwave, accidentally made a hole on the display screen w scissors
- tried setting up my tv stand to watch redbox, broke a piece due to frustration of it not working (it’s balanced on two chairs at the moment /slash/ maybe forever)
- movers delayed delivery til the last day of the 3-week window they gave me, had to leave work early on one day (they called saying they couldn’t make it), had to take off work the next day
- added: they charged an extra “long carry” fee because the parking lot was too far; various pieces were broken or chipped; not covered under insurance “as listed in the fine print”
- driving to work (an hour away), car next to me has their tire blow out, debris hits my car, causing damage to the bumper /slash/ it’s hanging off because, really, duct tape can only do so much
and, at each of those particular moments, I handled it. pretty gracefully, I think.
but after? well, I failed. I fell. I reverted to the very things I had been trying to escape. and worse.
I’ve spent the last couple of days unpacking all my belongings and thinking honestly about what led me to this point. Mostly, I repeated the same excuses I had before. …and then, I stopped.
“the world don’t owe you a dime”
I heard this and it all seemed to click. The world does not, in fact, owe me shit. I have spent the last decade or so making excuses for my mistakes. And for what? What have I survived? An unpleasant childhood? Come on, anything else? No. By God’s grace, I have been saved from having to experience so many potentially traumatic and painful events or consequences. Seriously. Actions without consequence other than my own guilt. And others? Others have dealt with consequences beyond their actions. Others have fought in war, lost parents/siblings/significant others, experienced domestic violence, abuse of all sorts, been assaulted, suffered addiction, overcome disabilities, abandonment, illness… I am the last person the world owes anything to.
I spent the last 3 weeks thinking, with each shitty event that passed, “why? seriously? come on! what more do You think I can handle?” Relisting the events above made me angry (in a good reflective way, of course). Each of those events could have gone a million times worse. Each of those events had somewhat of a resolution. And I lost sight of that, of the silver linings provided by the Universe. I focused on the unfairness of the events, of my past events; hell, I even focused on the unfairness of life as I met pretty great people who I felt had a one-up simply because they had been born into different circumstances, judging because of perceived socioeconomic class.
you’re shitting me, Clouds, right?
Nope. But silver lining: “You’re not gonna live forever so even a shitty moment of your life is still just a moment.”
“if you want to make a difference, make a decision”
This is the next step. The only logical following to the fall. And the only thing that makes sense in my whole “I want to change the world” major goal of life. …so I have made that decision. Someone also said that if you want your goals to come true, don’t tell them to anyone. Not sure if I believe that wholly, but for now, I’m going to follow it and not verbalize aloud (or in this interweb space of amazing connection) the decisions or smaller goals that I will achieve.
(S)He who who says (s)he can and (s)he who says (s)he can’t are both usually right ` Confucius
Decision made. Mind set. Hustle and grind til it happens.