So according to my WordPress notifications, I started this journey 4 years ago, with ramblings at midnight, taking a leap of faith that included putting myself out there, out here, in the interweb, open to judgment from friends and strangers. For the most part, I think it’s worked out. I’ve gotten to hear from people I have never met in person but whom I connect with on a level beyond comprehension. I’ve also gotten to connect with friends and family, who connect with my experiences. These are the exact reasons I started this. …and somehow, I seem to have gotten away from that. Do you know when the last time I wrote was?
`You’re going to tell us, aren’t you, Clouds?
- of course, friend!!
April 23. That’s the last time I had time to think outside my head about life and happy.
`that’s way too long to do that, Clouds!
- you’re telling me!
so what’s happened since then?
Well, at a glance (because much like my previous post, that’s all I can muster at the moment since settling hasn’t quite happened nor have I caught up with the intent of being in a calm, healthy place by now) here’s what you’ve missed:
`completed a 30-day clean eating program which: truly changed my life; helped me appreciate the relationship between my body and what I put into it at a level I never thought I could; reiterated to me the hormonal component of anxiety and depression…and overall: allowed me to live a month with no anxiety, increased energy, and clear focused healthy living…for the first time in my life…which I definitely need to pick that back up again…soon…like yesterday.
`traveled to Chicago where: successful wedding /slash/ kickass maid-of-honor duties were carried out; visited family that I missed dearly, including a close relative who was severely ill; and rode the Metra for the first time…alone…and overall: surprised myself continually in a city that will always have my heart by staying out of my head and keeping anxiety at bay.
`rekindled and ended a relationship with a 30-day period which: reminded me that the fear and vulnerability that accompany falling in love is no where near as powerful as the feeling of being in love itself; reinforced that I am not who I was 4 years; secured to me that I can make decisions that bring me closer to happy even if it goes against every fiber of not wanting to hurt others; reemphasized to me that I really need to work on asking for help and accepting help when it’s being offered (…seriously, Clouds, you wrote about *we aren’t meant to do it alone, thought you would’ve applied this sooner…but life’s hectic so I’ll cut you some slack.)…but overall: showed me that I can let myself love, which I was kind of worried about slightly considering I’d almost given up on my Sunday kind of love.
`prepared for moving across the country (with help beyond wanted or imagined) while: packing up my apartment; selling various items to fund my move; continuing to work 6 days a week; training 4 replacement trainees while keeping up with my own work; and attempting to organize farewells and get togethers with those near and dear to me…which are many considering how many Sisters I’ve gained over the past couple of years and childhood friends that have remained my saving grace through most of life’s difficulties…and overall: humbled me and emphasized that I cannot do it alone (yes, friends, this is the second time I’ve stated this so you know this must be important).
`lost a close relative during which I had to: coordinate travel and lodging for my parents; cope and grieve myself; and continue juggling all of the above…and overall: demonstrated my resilience…followed by an ensuing breakdown of sorts, but let’s focus on the positive here, shall we? Alright, good.
`drive 1,411 miles…in two days…by my.self…worst.decision.ever. side note: Florida.never.ends. (…there’s no overall here because, really, no one wants to relive that shit).
`lived 2 weeks (and counting) in Miami, doing so: without my belongings (other than what fit in Roxy, my boxcar, which was enough); while troubleshooting unexpected car troubles…followed by a flat tire (yup, it sucked as much as you can imagine); while getting lost and drive 3 hours each way in thunderstorms to attempt said troubleshooting (I’ve navigationally-challenged, what can I say? I really hope Prince Charming is good at directions…but maybe not considering he seems to be taking a detour); while breaking things out of clumsiness, without internet or cable, and with very slow cellular connection in my apartment (bee-tea-dubs, Redbox saves lives, people. fo’ real)…and overall: showed me I can handled any shit life throws my way…except finding the nearest Midas bc apparently that involves an effing expedition to Disney World…no joke).
so now what, Clouds? exploring?
Na, not today. sorry people friends. I’ve done a long-winded overview of the past few months. And actually-honestly-full disclosure: I’m pretty exhausted by it all…and slightly saddened by the unraveling of the most amazing place/feelings/being I had ever been…and disappointed that bad coping has reared it’s ugly-but-conniving-helpful head. And, also actually-honestly-full disclosure: I’m a little scared…but that’s okay. That’s how some of the best moments are bred.
“I think we are all part fight the flight
part run for your life
part ‘please please please like me’
Part Can’t breathe
Part scared to say you’re scared
Part say it anyway” — Andrea Gibson
I need to regroup. This is one way I’m doing that. As I opened with, I haven’t written in about 3 1/2 months. That’s too long to be away from exploring happy, as you so openly pointed out when we started. I’m on my way back from it all though, so check back in soon for the latest updates on life and happy…from a more tropical location: