I feel like now would be a fantastic time to cash in all the good juju saved in my karma bank. Ever feel that way?
of course. let’s go.
So I’m at the beginning of a hectic few months. at a glance (because that’s all i can muster at this moment without becoming overwhelmed), here’s what I’ve got. I need to:
- find an apartment in Miami (countdown t-minus 3 months)…all long distance and with a tight budget
- not be a crappy maid of honor…from long distance until my trip to Chicago in less than a month
- research, research, research, & gather data, analyze, and write my ass (or hand) off to complete my dissertation before I leave
- continue working 6 days a week
- maintain a healthy eating lifestyle and work out at least 3 days a week so I don’t go crazy, gain 30 lbs, or become an alcoholic
- maintain my spiritual practice through church and meditation to aid with above
- be a good daughter to my Mexican mother and father since I’ll be away for a year (at least)..and because you know, I just should
- not be a shitty friend
- there’s probably more but I think the list is overwhelming me enough so pausing seems good (good choice, Clouds)
…not sure if making that list was helpful. My life for the next 3 months is on there. and I’m kind of really freaking out.
But it does make me realize that maybe now would be a fabulous time to cash in whatever Karma I’ve saved up. Alright this might be selfish but you know what, I think I’ve lived a pretty good life, spreading good vibes, doing good things. I am overly considerate (sometimes to a ridiculous state which makes me ignore my own needs). I don’t (intentionally or knowingly) do harm to others, and usually maintain positive thoughts about pretty much everyone, even if/when this isn’t reciprocated. I try to do good. Not that my doing good is fueled by the intention or belief that the good will come back around buuut I do believe that is true. So I kinda wanna cash in on it now.
Let me know if you follow me on this, friends.
I really need to take a break from life at the moment. But I kind of really can’t.. at least not from everything. (I’d end up homeless Practicality and responsibility and this thing called adulthood call for choices and decisions to be made, one’s that I don’t necessarily love completely. The things I can take a break from, like my social life or volunteering for things or saying “I’m down” like I usually would, are things I feel guilty about. I really feel others don’t like being around me right now…probably because I don’t like being around me at the moment. (*This isn’t in a “woe is me, i’m a crappy person all around, stay away” way…just in a “I’m not fun right now because that would require waaaay too much energy that I don’t really have any extra of at the moment” way).
Wouldn’t it be nice if I could use up the stored Karma? Like if someone called me and I didn’t (purposefully) respond or someone text me and I (purposefully) ignored it, that person would just feel the good vibes I’m sending and understand that I simply can’t do life the moment? That would be awesome. And it would fit in extremely well with the hecticness of this all sans the guilt. I will be flaking a (lotta) bit. I will be canceling plans. I will be making hard adult choices like not doing awesome things because I need to save money since Miami is after all the city where the heat is on all night, on the beach till the break of dawn…(trying to take you back to the 90s, friends. did it work? Big Willy Style? Anyone?). Anyway, all that is true plus-too-also the fact that it’s hella expensive. At this point, I’d be happy with a studio big enough for my bed and a kitchen in a safe neighborhood. (side note: apartment searching so far has yielded several misses and one hit — only problem was that one hit was an Over 55 community. I would pick the retirement community as my favorite so far #NotForeverYoung)
So what’s a girl to do, Clouds?
Well, I really don’t know. Keep making
good difficult life-sucking responsible choices and hope friends and fam understand? Keep going, sacrifice, and know that this will all pay off? Let go and let God? Ignore negative thoughts, keep believing in goodness and Karma and happy? Know that love will set me free from all this, that my passion and goals are bigger than myself and I cannot stop now? …all those options sound pretty good. What would you do?
People walk a tightrope on a razors edge.
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons.
It could be a bomb, or a bullet, or a pen,
Or a thought, or a word, or a sentence.
There ain’t no reason things are this way.
Its how they’ve always been and they intend to stay.
I don’t know why I say the things I say,
But I say them anyway.
But love will come set me free.
Love will come set me free, I do believe.
Love will come set me free, I know it will. –Brett Dennen