#gutsoverfear — or on (40) days

[failure & happiness]

Folks, I started Lent this year with good intentions. Really good ones. really I did. It wasn’t about Numbers like before.
…I actually don’t know what it was supposed to be about. or I do… sort of. Cleansing, I guess. didn’t really work out that way.

After a few months of limbo and stress and clenched fists and swimming against the current, I was ready for needing a shift, a change…a breath from breathing. Spiritually, physically, mentally. I needed a break.

What a better time than Lent, Clouds?

That’s exactly what I thought! So I gave up beer, made promises of accomplishing tasks, and readied myself for the days ahead.

Then I waited for things to fall into place. And oh did they fall. just not like I anticipated.
I guess maybe I had a hunch that it wouldn’t go well. But considering the past few months, I was really counting on some change.

Instead, I got 40 days of bad decisions. okay, I wasn’t that terrible a person…but I got close. I was filled with anger and annoyance, was bitter instead of grateful, constantly counted my failings instead of my blessings. It hasn’t been pretty, friends. I stopped exercising, ate very unhealthily, and, aside from falsely disguised cocktails i used as excuses, I stopped engaging in self-care. I flaked on people, lied to get out of commitments, and was just generally an all around shitty friend. I did manage to sleep a lot more than I had before. In bed by 9 or 10 most nights and up around 7 (or later if I could manage to snooze my alarm enough times and make it to work before my first appointment). And, despite the blessings of finding out I was moving and would finally get out of limbo, I still felt stuck…

Pause & point: I’m writing this in past tense because well, positive thinking. I’m putting it out in to the universe. Also, I need some accountability so I’m putting it out in the web-o-sphere too. I need structure. and disconnection. and focus. Change is already happening, I can feel it. It’s mostly started during my very recent experience with triduum and healing through song and fighting back tears and my religion.

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So what’s this post all about exactly, Clouds?

Well, I guess it’s a note for you, and me, to keep trying. to attempt ((again)) to find balance, even if you/I know it doesn’t really exist in the way we have it set up in our mind. I want to tell you that happiness includes failure and reattempt.

I’m not sure what’s ahead for me. I know that I will challenge myself to a month-long (healthy) cleanse, will be scheduling time for dissertation-writing, am recommitting to exercising in a healthy manner, and am eliminating excuses. …not gonna lie, I’m scared shitless. I feel like this will leave me raw, but in a good way…but still, in a scary-as-hell way.

#gutsoverfear

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