#gutsoverfear — or on (40) days

[failure & happiness]

Folks, I started Lent this year with good intentions. Really good ones. really I did. It wasn’t about Numbers like before.
…I actually don’t know what it was supposed to be about. or I do… sort of. Cleansing, I guess. didn’t really work out that way.

After a few months of limbo and stress and clenched fists and swimming against the current, I was ready for needing a shift, a change…a breath from breathing. Spiritually, physically, mentally. I needed a break.

What a better time than Lent, Clouds?

That’s exactly what I thought! So I gave up beer, made promises of accomplishing tasks, and readied myself for the days ahead.

Then I waited for things to fall into place. And oh did they fall. just not like I anticipated.
I guess maybe I had a hunch that it wouldn’t go well. But considering the past few months, I was really counting on some change.

Instead, I got 40 days of bad decisions. okay, I wasn’t that terrible a person…but I got close. I was filled with anger and annoyance, was bitter instead of grateful, constantly counted my failings instead of my blessings. It hasn’t been pretty, friends. I stopped exercising, ate very unhealthily, and, aside from falsely disguised cocktails i used as excuses, I stopped engaging in self-care. I flaked on people, lied to get out of commitments, and was just generally an all around shitty friend. I did manage to sleep a lot more than I had before. In bed by 9 or 10 most nights and up around 7 (or later if I could manage to snooze my alarm enough times and make it to work before my first appointment). And, despite the blessings of finding out I was moving and would finally get out of limbo, I still felt stuck…

Pause & point: I’m writing this in past tense because well, positive thinking. I’m putting it out in to the universe. Also, I need some accountability so I’m putting it out in the web-o-sphere too. I need structure. and disconnection. and focus. Change is already happening, I can feel it. It’s mostly started during my very recent experience with triduum and healing through song and fighting back tears and my religion.


So what’s this post all about exactly, Clouds?

Well, I guess it’s a note for you, and me, to keep trying. to attempt ((again)) to find balance, even if you/I know it doesn’t really exist in the way we have it set up in our mind. I want to tell you that happiness includes failure and reattempt.

I’m not sure what’s ahead for me. I know that I will challenge myself to a month-long (healthy) cleanse, will be scheduling time for dissertation-writing, am recommitting to exercising in a healthy manner, and am eliminating excuses. …not gonna lie, I’m scared shitless. I feel like this will leave me raw, but in a good way…but still, in a scary-as-hell way.



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