I needed a year.

it’s been a weird day. so i figured i’d write.

the past handful of days have been…weird.

Clouds, really? you’re writing but not really saying anything. explore?

good idea.

So I found out Friday that I was accepted to an internship program, that I’d be moving, that I’d finally move forward instead of sitting impatiently in the limbo that has been my life for the past 2 years.

pretty great, huh? well, yeah. not gonna lie, it was pretty amazing.

I got a glimmer of what it’s like to not keep waiting. I shared the news with kind souls that have supported and prayed and helped me survive the past couple of years. They told me they were proud of me. felt good. I told the parentals. They said it was too far. same general themes seem to be on repeat in the background of my life so I’m cool with it.

here’s the chain reaction of events/thoughts/feels that made the day weird: work peoples hugged and congratulated me –> they asked questions –> i answered, genuinely and happily –> exchanged the play by play with a co-worker about how we received the news and who we shared it with –> told her about the fam’s reaction –> she said sorry (in that “i feel really sad for you right now” kind of way that shows through the eyes…or maybe her eyes said something else but i read what i wanted to in them, what i felt myself) –> told her this year was better than last year (when their reaction was being happy I didn’t get anything) –> felt sad for myself –> started thinking about what’s gone down this past year –> left work early bc there were too many feels and not enough work to keep me distracted.

So, I came home and figured I’d write to make it less weird. aaand here we are.

I talked before about how I needed a day that one time. well, maybe I really needed a year. Had life gone differently and I moved away last August, i would have missed out on a lot. I get it now. I wasn’t ready. in every sense of the word. I didn’t believe in myself. I had too much weighing me down. I wouldn’t have survived. Knowing that there is a Divine hand in this all brings relief to the discomfort and impatience.

So here’s what comes to mind at the moment about things I would’ve missed out on (“at the moment” is actually after a long day of work and thoughts and feels and stomachaches and wonderings soo I’m probably missing a few things):

`swimming against the current more than I ever had before, which while not pleasant in the slightest, makes me appreciate every day of sunshine more than ever before

` connecting with my Sisters over a very spiritually-filled few months of prep and a faith-filled weekend

` finding my voice and allowing myself to get lost in the music (during jam sessions and prep for weekend above)

` connecting with a charming foreigner who filled life with things i love when i needed them most (like food and wine and dancing and beer and conversation…and other activities that fill me with happy).. and perhaps most importantly, believed in me when I didn’t, when I couldn’t.

` moving — away from chaos but remaining close enough to connect, deepening relationships with siblings, having a place to call my own and a space of peace to retrieve to (…and a kitchen to cook in and an actual bed with a real mattress! it’s the little things in life, people-friends).

` having amazing supervisees who taught and continue to teach me and push me to be a better supervisor…and say kind words about the impact I’ve made on them as professionals (that last part is kinda sorta extra full of things-that-make-my-heart-smile)

` making friends /slash/ deepening connections with beautiful people (like the kind of people you know will be around for a long time, keep in touch, pray for you, keep you in their thoughts, tell you they’re proud of you, and wish you the best and mean it)

` experiencing traveling on my own, realizing what I can accomplish, pushing past the fear, unclenching my fists, and continuing to get back up each time I fall.. mostly, learning to be proud of myself

Pretty amazing stuff if you ask me. plus-too-also, I would have missed events coming in the near future. like:

`watching my bff graduate and walk the stage after working her ass off

`going to Vegas with the bff

`taking a week off to be maid of honor at my best friend’s wedding in the city that will always have my heart

…so I guess I needed a year. I’ve got about 5 months left in this city, let’s see what else He has planned for me



One thought on “I needed a year.

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