[numbers & happy]
real talk: I’ve attempted to write this post quite a few times. I actually thought I had started it a few times but when I went to my drafts folder, all that there was was the title and blank space. Thinking about it vaguely, it’s been attempted 5 times over the past year and half. The post was originally titled “on number after 40 days.” Fittingly, this was after giving up weighing myself for Lent.
maybe I should backtrack a little bit. So I’ve written before about beautiful and biutiful and body image and highs and lows and cycles and patterns. Someone once told me that if I keep writing about it, maybe it’s because I haven’t learned what I’m supposed to about whatever it is I’m writing about. I think she’s right. She’s kind of awesome and insightful like that.
so numbers, huh?
yup, let’s explore.
so around this time last year, I was tired of cycling through caring and stressing and doing sorta harmful things to achieve unachievable expectations of ridiculousness based on numbers and self-doubt… so I decided to do something about it. I’d tried other things like rational thinking and “healthy” ways of achieving things, which side note: doesn’t work if you don’t change habits or reasons for “healthy” lifestyle. I found myself weighing myself multiple times a week, some weeks every single day. The number fluctuated a bit but never how I wanted it to. It became obsessive and depressing and motivating in the unhealthiest way possible… so I decided to do something about it. I gave up the scale for 40 days.
I figured that’d be a great start. and it was. for a bit. I’ve actually stuck to not weighing myself. My scale is the bathroom closet behind my hamper. great place when you’re lazy and don’t wanna bend down to beat yourself up over numbers.
So the whole attempting to write this thing 5 times? yeah, well that came after a successful 40 days without the scale…followed by finding myself overwhelmed with therapy cases, connecting with the stories of my clients more than I could handle, helping them with eating disorders, anxiety issues, and family problems. Through amazing, supportive, and insightful supervision, I was able to use what was brought up within me during the session in a helpful therapeutic way…for my clients. I did some of my most amazing work at that time. for them. not for me. I found myself slipping back into bad habits and wanting to figure it out. Between a summer spent swimming against the current more than I ever had before, trying to stay afloat while attempting (and at times failing) to conquer more academic and personal hurdles, I was left exhausted and, quite honestly, with not enough energy to even think about numbers. I was in a “good” place with it. And I wanted to write about that. and then it slipped away again. skipping meals due to stress and overwork seemed to me like “healthier” reasons than the purposeful ones that were there before. I stopped working out. which again, seemed “healthier” than working out 6 to 7 days a week for the wrong reasons. Then, life took over and I again had no time to consciously think about numbers. When I realized this, I thought “damn, Clouds, you’re in a good place! write about numbers now!” And I would have had it not slipped away again..
and now? Well, I’m not actually sure. I’m writing about it so that’s something.
I stopped working out completely. started eating much more unhealthily than I had ever done before. I was too preoccupied to think about it but I feel it physically. distorted? perhaps. but ignoring the feels is almost as bad as ignoring the thoughts.
that’s my story on numbers. I’m not exactly sure the purpose of this post or what to do about it at this point other than to try again.
i guess that’s what really matters. ignore the numbers. keep trying. be happy.
but maybe beyond that, the point of this is to tell you that nothing really matters outside of what you feel inside. “truth.” “healthy.” “unhealthy.” none of it matters or means much until you figure it out for yourself and believe you are biutiful…because you are.