Selfish…& stubborn.

I think this will be the final post in this series. [If you missed out and are like “Clouds, what you talkin bout? There was a series?” Yes friend, there was. While brief, basically the last handful of posts were looking at traits (semi-negative) and how I /slash/ you /slash/ we can flip those to find some positive. While I have found positive aspects for being fragile, bitter, awkward, forgettable, and now stubborn and selfish, I kind of don’t want to do that anymore. I think I’ve focused too much on what I’m not by doing so. It definitely served it’s purpose. But I kinda wanna focus on some other things now. So after this brief-yet-probably-scenic-route exploration of my being selfish and stubborn, I’m going to switch to exploring those other things that contribute to my happy. K? Cool. Thanks for understanding.]

So selfish and stubborn, huh?
…and you guessed it, we’re gonna explore that a bit…


Alright so a basic truth I have arrived at is that, at some point, we have to take responsibility of our own actions. and let others do the same. I’ve also determined that I am both terrible and great at this.

Let’s back up.
Innately, I want to help people. I’ve been doing it all my life…since I was about 5 years old to be exact, when my younger siblings were born. That event, along with a few (much less positive) moments, seemingly ended my happy-go-lucky, play-in-the-dirt childhood activities. I took on role of helper, not looking back. I even adopted it into my professional identity: helping professional. it’s who I am. it’s what I do. but sometimes, just sometimes, it defeats me.

I am not great at being told I can’t or even recognizing that something is beyond my control. This stubbornness has served a purpose, fo’ sho. I wouldn’t be where I am at professionally had I not been stubborn enough to use the negative chatter to fuel my drive and ambitions. Truth. Did you know that less than 3% of all doctoral degrees conferred in 2010-2011 were earned by Latinas? I am humble (reserved?) by nature and don’t usually go there but this is one of those times when I think: fucking-a Clouds! You are doing it! You did it!

Again, being stubborn has paid off.
But it’s also left little space to do things in ways other than my own. I dont think it’s necessairly that I’m closes minded. I tried explaining it to a boy/friend once. I ended up sounding a bit douchey…and closed minded. The convo went something like this:
– you’re stubborn, aren’t you?
– no, I’m not!
– so you’re open to other points of view?
– yes! I’m very open minded! I listen openly…but end up doing things my way because I know me best and I know what works for me. (…or something like that, but probably read with much more defensiveness and a little bit of attitude…and maybe a raised eyebrow a la my Mexican mother. Again, I’ve needed a little bit of stubborn to make it to where I am…but maybe now I can do without.)

Now for the selfish. Remember how I said I was simultaneously terrible and great at this? Well, the thing is I kinda suck at the putting my own needs first part (again, career-wise, it works). But I am fabulous at the demanding-personal-responsibility part when it comes to my actions and those of my family members. I often feel extremely guilty and somewhat incompetent given my profession when I think of the plethora of interpersonal problems my family faces. I question my loyalties/purpose/values. How can I help others so openly, honestly, willingly, yet I can’t do the same for my family?

Part of it is the stubbornness clouding my judgment. In the words of Drake:

Came up, that’s all me
Stay true, that’s all me
No help, that’s all me
All me for real”

Then I think, Clouds, you’re a shitty person for thinking that way.

::sigh:: …so that’s my struggle. I have to be stubborn to keep fighting toward my goals. It’s not easy. Or maybe it is but my ambitions are too big. Same with the selfish. I can’t seem to allow myself to put myself before others, unless it’s family. Again, this is a stubbornness-bitterness-rebellion clusterfuck, but also too it’s what’s needed for survival and continued attainment of goals and dreams and fluffy stuff.

…but maybe it’s not needed as much anymore.


One thought on “Selfish…& stubborn.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s