So I gave in and did one of those Facebook year-in-review things. I held out as long as I could, I really did. It showed some pretty awesome highlights of my year: from starting off with a trip to Boston, visiting with a welcomed face over delicious craft beer in my favorite windy city, hiking adventures with someone awesome, beach trips with my sister, #birthdayweek celebrations with kind souls and my best friend, happy family moments, moving ((finally)) after 3 years of not.. all great things.
…but this got me thinking (of course). Those moments weren’t really reflective of my year. Hell, they weren’t even reflective of the highlights of my year. I guess it’s because maybe I define “highlights” as not limited to solely the good moments. More appropriately, I think, “highlights” includes those moments that defined us or redefined us in some sort of way. For me, most of those moments weren’t captured in my year-in-review, everyone-is-smiling, life-is-peachy photos.
In my attempts to live a more honest, congruent life (which I’m writing about currently — and by “currently” I mean there’s a post in my drafts folder entitled “Remind Me Who I am: or on cognitive dissonance” that’s waiting to be completed). Aaanyway, here’s my actual year-in-review with links to past posts that reflect in more depth…along with some hoped for resolutions:
*That trip to Boston: was for an interview for an internship position…which I did not get. This essentially had me postpone my life another year. trust me, it was not a happy-everyone’s-smiling moment. I accepted it openly, knowing and always trusting His plan. But it still sucked big ones.
The redefining: came because, had I moved away (as I had misguidedly wanted) I wouldn’t have met some pretty amazing people that have changed my view of me and changed my view on life. I had been waiting for this last piece (internship) for years and, when it didn’t come, I felt lost. I was tired of waiting and not having patience, of not feeling grounded, of feeling like I couldn’t start a life.
My resolution: stop waiting. I’m pretty sure I’ve said it before, wrote it before, but for reals this time. No more waiting. Life will keep passing me by if keep letting moments / people / life pass me by. No more being scared. No more avoiding feelings or overthinking or making things awkward. I will tell you I love you when I feel it, and hug you tighter when I need it…I’ll update you on how this all turns out.
*Those beach trips with my sister and hiking adventures: were in attempts to try and reconnect with something, anything..with nature, with beauty that is found in the ocean waves and hilltops. This was after feeling stripped and naked, raw and the most vulnerable I’ve ever felt as I shared a story on my second weekend away, a different experience than my first. No regrets, I’d do it again in a heartbeat..but definitely an experience that left me feeling some kind of way.
The redefining: came as I faced the feelings that were stirred up after I gave a talk on forgiveness. Instead of trying to push them away, I allowed myself to feel. I felt the sunshine, breathed the air, walked on the graveled path while I connected with my friend, with nature, with my feelings. I smelled the waves, touched the sand, and let my tears mix with the ocean water.
My resolution: feel. always. the good, the bad, and the in-between…and maybe share a bit more of those feels with others.
*The #birthdayweek celebration: came after two months of swimming against the current, fighting harder than I’d ever have to stay afloat, to not drown. I shut people out, flaked on friends, and felt horrible for doing so. I tried and tried and failed
The redefining: came when I decided I didn’t have to do it alone, when a warm embrace told me “I’ve got you.” …simple words that should be said more often. It came when best friends and kind souls and sweet Sisters reminded me that I am loved.
My resolution: quit trying to do things alone.
*Moving: came after 3 years of returning home following the heartbreak, after 3 years of bad decisions, after a long, looong time. but still, it happened quickly, suddenly, decisions and move occurring across a couple of weeks.
The redefining: …is still happening. I’ll keep you posted, people-friends. So far it’s been partially terrifying, saddening, and guilt-inducing mixed with liberating, amazing, and hope-filling.
My resolution: keep taking risks. More importantly, keep trusting that I know what I’m doing (at least on some level). Extra more importantly, remember that I’m worth it.
Peace & love in 2015, people friends.