[awkward & happy]

So I’m awkward…sorta.

This reflection of traits may be short and sweet since I think I know what’s behind it (partially) and why I’m okay with it (mostly). Bitter and Fragile have been explored. so on to the next one..

Alright, so I don’t think I’m awkward in the sense that people might utter “oh em gee, I’m glad she finally left because that ish was weird and uncomfortable” once I leave a conversation. Instead, I think I just feel awkward internally, particularly during hello’s and goodbyes. and I know why.

The thing is that I am filled with love. lots of it. True story, friends. And I want to share as much of that love as I can. Typically, this means that I want to hug you. Picture a little minion of love bottled up inside…but less creepy…a lotta less creepy.

The awkwardness comes into play as I am fighting between A: my internal desire to get all up in your personal space and give you a hug and tell you I love you and B: my internal dialogue that is (constantly) going regarding your thoughts about said personal space. Seriously, folks, I am considering the feelings of others 99.9% (which is terribly exhausting by the way). The actions I take once said consideration has taken place varies but typically includes me continuing to struggle between what I want to do and what I think you would be comfortable with. Results: me being all weird and awkward and doing nothing. Awk-ward.

hug (2)I’ve learned that not everyone is a hugger. Most of my close friends aren’t huggers. but lots of my newly gained Sisters are, and I absolutely love it. Being wrapped in someone else’s arms, for just a few moments, provided with a sense of “it’s okay, I got you”…which if actually uttered during that moment makes for a great catalyst for a slight breakdown in the best way possible (not that that’s happened to me or anything, i keep my ish together at all times, no breakdowns for me, nope, none at all).

So you’ve got to imagine how I feel on days like today (Christmas!) when hugs are more than appropriate. They’re encouraged, welcomed, embraced! even with strangers! (again, not as creepy as it reads). but really though, I felt wrapped in love countless times after the  mass at night. It was awesome.

So I’ll take my awkward if it comes from a place of love. but maybe I’ll stop thinking a little less during the hello’s and goodbyes and get all up in your personal space regardless of what I think you think. good plan, Clouds 🙂


2 thoughts on “Awkward.

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