[fragile & happy]
[Quick note: the idea for the posts to follow is to explore traits I (or others) have identified about me and explore how they relate to my happy. The traits probably seem negative if taken at face value. My hunch, before writing reveals anything to me (which may or may not happen but I’ve got a feeling it might probably happen but I’m open to the possibility of it not but I can’t be sure so I should probably stop attempting to figure it out and keep writing)…my hunch is that these “negative” traits are actually helpful in some regard and add to my happy in the overall big picture sort of way.]
So I recently (not-so-recently) realized that I’m kinda sorta pretty fragile.
- (of an object) easily broken or damaged.
synonyms: breakable, easily broken; Moredelicate, dainty, fine, flimsy;eggshell;”fragile porcelain”
- flimsy or insubstantial; easily destroyed.
synonyms: tenuous, shaky, insecure, unreliable, vulnerable, flimsy
- (of a person) not strong or sturdy; delicate and vulnerable.
synonyms: weak, delicate, frail, debilitated
I guess I sort of always knew this about myself but didn’t want to take on the label. Partly, because I don’t like admitting that I’m not always strong. Mostly, because I always equated it with emotional, sensitive, easily shaken…mostly mostly, I equated it with the synonyms provided above: weak, frail, insecure, easily broken..
Momentary music pause:
I absolutely love this song and its message and the lyricism…and the title (obviously).
(Wish I’d have known)
I never thought I’d be so fragile
(You’re not alone)
If it didn’t break before it’s about to
(We’ve been here before)
I don’t ever want to change
Okay, back to it. So yes, I’m
weak, easily shaken, insecure fragile.
I used to hate the fact that the words of others affected me so much, caused unpleasant stirrings at the deepest level. I hated how someone’s words could cause me physical pain (because heartache is real –you can read about it here). I hated how I would shut down when confronted with hurtful comments, how I could withdraw completely after being faced with criticism. I hated how arguments that escalated past “normal” tone or volume, or where”bad” words like fuck you were exchanged, could result in me cowering away, internally shutting off emotions so I could avoid the hurt I felt.
And then, suddenly, I stopped hating it so much. A lot has changed that has resulted in me not being as (easily) affected by others, especially those who I can sense have intentionality behind their hurtfulness. Things have definitely changed…like me realizing it’s part of me, just like everything I dabble in …that I am me — the good, the bad, and all the in-between …that really, selfishly, i want you to love me when I least deserve, which at times includes those moments when I’ve
over-reacted because of my fragile. It’s definitely been a process but I’ve learned to love like accept that part as part of me (…still a work in progress, also obviously). I really truly believe that being fragile is part of what gives me the ability to connect with others at a deeper emotional level, what allows me to empathize with those around and those I work with, what allows me to feel. I recently talked about the problem with feeling, about how you can’t simply pick the good fuzzy feelings and avoid the “bad”…or uncomfortable. It just doesn’t work that way. Fortunately? yeah, I think so.
I think what I’m saying is that I’ll keep my fragile if it means being able to sit with someone and gain of semblance of what they’re feeling so that I can help them heal. I’ll take my fragile if it means trusting that that feeling might actually be a warning of mistreatment (because while my reaction may be greater than most, it is real. It is a reaction to the interaction between myself and another and, therefore, valid…so I probably should listen to it. <–I think that last little happening there was one of those “Clouds, listen to what you’ve just learned through writing. Mostly, listen to the part that says your feelings are valid and be kind to yourself” moments…which usually happens when I write. thanks for being a part of it). Mostly, I’ll keep my fragile because it is a part of me.
…don’t get me wrong, I still think I need a “handle with care” sign so others know to be a bit kinder to me (remember when I told you I should come with a warning label? yeah, definitely need one of those). …but then actually probably, I think we should all just be kind. in general. to everyone. and everything. so scratch the sign and just be kind, k? cool.
I guess my point about fragile and happy is that happy might probably actually seriously increase once I (you?) own this as a piece of myself (yourself?) instead of trying to fight it or be ashamed of it. …not something I’ve tested out completely but I’ll let you know what I find.
final note: as coincidence/fate/Godwinks/the universe would have it, I recently began re-emerging myself into poetry and rediscovered this wonderful gem by one of my favorite poets that basically says everything I just did above…in fewer, more poetic words. I’ll get there someday folks. In the meantime, I appreciate you sticking by me as I use an unnecessary (or very necessary) amount of words to explore. thanks people-friends, much appreciated. Enjoy: