[failure and happy]
“God knows I’ve failed but He knows that I’ve tried…”
This is pretty much how I’ve felt lately. And I don’t think I’m alone in this.
…but, I’ve also been thinking that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Or at least, it doesn’t have to be.
Life and all its circumstances have brought my failures to the forefront recently. I mean, it’s not like I had been completely unaware of my shortcomings before now. …they just hadn’t slapped me in the face as hard. Or maybe they just hadn’t affected me in the same way as they have been recently.
So here’s the thing, I’m pretty sure I’ve recently (and not-so-recently) failed at being a friend, daughter, and sister…among the many other roles I play. That’s not news. I suck at life sometimes. I think we all do. And that’s okay. It’s kind of hard to live it as smoothly all the time, especially when the current comes in a bit stronger.
(I pray that those around me understand this to some extent when I’m failing. not an excuse. but maybe a plead for compassion). I think I’ve just been more aware of that difficulty and of my failures recently, particularly given that I’ve had more moments lately when I’ve had to neglect those roles in order to safeguard my own well-being. This leads to a wonderful push-pull between feelings of guilt for not being there for others and the necessity for self-care. It’s not very pleasant and often headache-inducing; I’m sure you’ve had moments where you can relate.
The thing is, I was starting to get really tired of it all. ..of the continued failures. of the unchanging circumstances. of the cycles and planning and never feeling like I was actually getting
there anywhere. I was tired of feeling like I wasn’t taking the actions needed to be the person I knew I could become. I was tired of thinking so much and doing so little. hell, I was even tired of the writing [which is why I took some time away from this for a little bit. my bad. kinda needed a moment, which I know you understand. but I’m back now].
A conversation I had with someone brought to light some of that headache-inducing push-pull I mentioned. He said I had too high expectations for myself when I mentioned I was sucking at life at that moment.
Sometimes I agree that I can be a bit hard on myself, expecting more than I can possibly give.
..but then I think of how much I’ve yet to accomplish and of how wrong that he is because there is so much I should be doing but don’t and of how I need to do more as soon as possible.
…and then I see how that previous thought kinda sorta probably adds support to his reflection…but just a little bit…maybe. (okay, it does. a lot).
I got to thinking more about all that and about this whole failure thing as life began to circle back, as it tends to do when you need it most. And I thought about how the cliche “fall down seven times, stand up eight” line, while slightly annoying when you’re on the floor, fresh from having fallen, somehow holds truth and inspiration when you’re on your feet again.
At the end of it all, I think of how this isn’t the end of it all, at least not yet. I think about how, no matter how many times I’ve failed ((and will continue to fail)), the lessons come in the attempts. they come in the striving. He knows that. While I may attempt and fail a ridiculous amount of times, I keep trying. And God knows I’ve tried.
and that’s kinda the most important part.
there you have it, folks. you keep moving forward, inch by inch, moment by moment. while it may be five steps forward and two steps back, you’re still making progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it at times.
so keep going. keep striving. keep picking yourself up.
partly because, in doing so, you will find that you change and inspire those around you.
mostly because, in doing so, you will change and inspire yourself.
*music inspiration for post and title. happy listening: