Goodbye, Chicago – or on letting go

[letting go & happy]

I think it’s time to let go. I, like many, have held on to some things that aren’t benefiting me or my happy.

Mostly, I think it’s time to let go of expectations, of what will or could or may never be.

I think we’d all be a bit happier if we let go of the things that hold us back. Actually, no, that’s not completely right; I realized else something recently: I think we’d be happier if we let go of the things that are beyond us, things that are slowing our steps without necessarily completely holding us back. Those things we worry about that cannot be completely decided on our own regard, the things that limit our presentness, our ability to appreciate the here and now. These are the things that make us believe in “someday.”

Don’t confuse this with letting go of dreams or aspirations or even hopes necessarily. Those are all important. extremely. It’s hard to go anywhere further than where we are if we don’t have something to strive toward, no?

that was deep, Clouds.

Okay but, while we hold on to some of those things, I think it’s important that we don’t hold on to things that cause us to miss out on the moments currently in front of us, on the now, on the amazing things happening right under our noses.

So, I think it’s time to let go.

Here’s what I’m letting go of:

*the number on the scale —
this one has held me back for way too long. The thing here is that I’m not letting go of being healthy. Nor am I giving up on toning and tightening and all those other fitness verbs that fill our world. What I am letting go of is thinking that I need to be a size 2. hell, I’m letting go of thinking I need to be a size 4! ..or maybe just letting go of the belief that I need to be any specific size other than what I am. I am not going to ever weigh under 125 and am probably not getting to 125 in a healthy manner. Constantly striving for “the number” left me feeling unhappy, not good enough, and mostly left my headspace filled with negative thoughts instead of praise for the changes I had made, for the body God gave me. So I’m letting go of that. Something I learned during my 40 days (which I’ll write about later) was that letting go of the scale is one of the most liberating and healing things I have ever done for myself. I think you should try it.

*friendships that have faded
I think this is one that has taken away from my happy more than most. There are a few friendships that I don’t think I can call friendships anymore. I’m not talking about the “we rarely talk or hang out” types of friendships. One of my best friends lives over a thousand miles away and, given my introverted-avoidance-of-phonecalls way of living, we rarely speak on the phone. But, somehow, that doesn’t matter. Connection and love are always present. I am 95% sure the friends with whom I’ve built lasting relationships with over the years know my heart’s intentions, even if I suck at making phone calls. What I am letting go of are the friendships where there is worry that I am not doing enough or being enough, when the absence has grown so great that there truly isn’t recognition of what’s going on in each others’ lives, the friendships where jealousy or guilt or manipulation have been the main emotion instead of love. These are the ones necessitating endings…or at least an allowance of fading without feeling guilty about the years spent building/rebuilding/reconstructing the relationship. What I’m learning with age and connection to truly kind souls is that a decade-long friendship isn’t necessarily worth more in love than a year-long one simply because of the time. I’m far from a perfect friend, but the love in my heart for you is authentic. I need to let go of the friendships that make me question this, on either end, for both our sakes. These relationships filled my headspace with wonders and worries of what I did to cause the rift, when really, relationships cannot be made up of one person.

*Chicago (the guy) —
While there is a Chicago (the guy), I think he can stand for the metaphorical “guy I need to let go of” since there are at least a couple more. Chicago is a pretty amazing, kind soul I was blessed to meet over a year ago. He helped me connect to mi cultura, to music, and mostly, to myself. You’d think I’d wanna hold on to him, no? Well, I wasn’t ready to hold on. and then, for the longest time, I didn’t want to let go. I realize this wasn’t/isn’t completely fair, to expect someone to stick around forever until I figure out where I’m meant to be, or how to make my way to another city, to another life, if that’s what even supposed to happen (read below). So I need to let go. He (and he and you and me) need to move on…or at least move. At the moment there’s no active pursuance or communication really. I’m simply holding on to the idea of him, someday. After seeing him moving on with his life (as is logical), I couldn’t help but feel…something. I can’t pinpoint what it is but I do recognize not-happy when I feel it. So I’ve got to let go. Again, this isn’t eliminating the possibility of connection or reconnection (I still believe that I’ll get my love that’ll last past Saturday), but what it does is eliminate the worry and thought that comes with thinking “maybe someday he’ll…” or “maybe someday I’ll…” Waiting for someday can get to be quite exhausting. I think we can all have our happy now, smiling later when we realize it was meant to be or smiling later when we realize it wasn’t.

*Chicago (the city)
This one’s hurts a little more than the others. but I’m not saying goodbye forever. I think what I need to let go of with this one is my belief that I’m meant to be there, which, at some level, means that I believe that I’m not meant to be here. There are a lot of things wrong with this; namely, I am potentially – probably – seriously missing out on sooo many possibilities, blind to what’s happening right in front of me because I’m too busy looking at years away. …and, honestly, even that is not guaranteed. Nothing is. Holding onto this has begun to leave me feeling jaded as I think “is it ever going to happen?!” I wholeheartedly believe that good things are in store for us all. But, I also believe that we must take an active stance on making some of those good things happen now, on realizing that those good things are already happening all around us. Whether I end up there or not, wherever there is, doesn’t really matter at the moment (or ever) if I’m not able to count my blessing now, here.

so that’s it. I need to let go. …do you? (no right answer to this one, just a good question to reflect on. …actually, I take that back. The answer is yes. Of what? Well, that’s something only you know. I recommend letting it go. …or at least seriously considering taking the first steps toward this, which would be acknowledging that there is something holding you back and realizing that you’re worth more than the negative feelings it brings).

“Abandon anything about your life and habits that might be holding you back. Learn to create your own opportunities. Know that there is no finish line; fortune favors action. Race balls-out toward the extraordinary life that you’ve always dreamed of, or still haven’t had time to dream up. And prepare to have a hell of a lot of fun along the way.” — Sophia Amoruso




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