Current goings on in my head are annoying.
The back and forth is getting tiring…and old.
This may be more of a venting post but I think there’s some good thoughts for all of us to ponder toward the end so sticking through the crazyness if you can may be worth.
Per uge (or as of late?), it’s about my role in relationships. Lately, it’s been limited to romantic relationships, but there are a few “friendships” that I’ve had the same battle with in the (recent?) past. Here’s a glimpse at what that conversation looks like. The “he” can and has been easily replaced with “she” in the platonic sense, losing or distancing of friendships as a result of this circular thinking…or maybe as a result of their lack of effort. (…and so it begins, the back and forth that is). Fair warning, it’s quite dizzying…and kindasortavery annoying. The annoying part isn’t necessarily the back and forth itself, but the fact that this isn’t the first (…or second or third) time this conversation has been present. It obviously gets in the way of my happy so I’m trying to find a way to end its interruption. …and while it may seem like it given that I’m having a conversation with myself, I’m not (completely?) crazy, promise.
Conversation in the clouds…with Clouds:
` I’m in this “relationship” and I’m not happy.
– Why aren’t you happy?
` I think it’s because I’m not getting what I need
– How can you get what you need if you don’t ask for it?
` I know… but I can’t ask for it if I don’t feel safe
– Then leave. Feeling safe is the most important thing in any relationship. If you don’t feel safe or free to be you, why the hell are you there? You struggle enough with sharing your voice among the masses, why would you want what should be the easiest place to express yourself to mirror the same thing?
` I know…but I think he kinda loves me. …not “love” loves, but he thinks I’m pretty amazing and has no idea that I’m feeling this way. or maybe he does but doesn’t think it’s that big a deal
– So tell him!
` I already explained why I can’t. I’m working on it.
– ”working on it” is getting to be quite the excuse, Clouds. When does “working on it” turn into “doing something about it”?
` I don’t know. maybe he’s in my life right now because he brings out exactly the things I’m supposed to be working on. maybe this is my opportunity. I should stick with it, even if I’m not happy, so that I can work on the things I need to, to better myself. I know most of my negative reactions are based on my own ish. The anger, sadness, overly-sensitive crap I put out aren’t necessarily a direct reflection of his action but of how I’ve learned to deal with those types of interactions. If I stick with this, and work through this, I’ll be a better person for having done so, but more, importantly, for others.
– Do you really need to be unhappy in order to better yourself?
`…I don’t know. maybe?
– No, you don’t. Yes, you’re flawed. but that makes you You. You can continue working your way toward a better version of you but doesn’t mean you have to be unhappy or surround yourself with inconsiderate people in order to do so
` …I guess. but then there’s also the whole “you may be somebody’s miracle” bullshit.
– …please explain.
` Okay, I’m not saying I’m somebody’s actual miracle, but I read that phrase somewhere (Joel Osteen probably?) and it kinda encompasses pretty well a thought I’ve always had. I truly believe I’m here on earth to make it a better place, to impact people in a positive way.
– Okay, I’m listening, go on
` Well, if that’s the case then shouldn’t I try to help those around me, those most intimately connected to me?
— …maybe. but I don’t think that means that you have to sacrifice yourself or your happiness in order to do so.
`…I guess the struggle lies in whether I believe that it’s selfish or egotistical to not settle for love that isn’t amazing from the beginning…
— and I wonder if that has to be decided or labeled as such. Why can’t you just interact and love or not love and let it be what is? You’ve always said that a relationship isn’t a reflection of a single person but, rather, of the interaction between them, of the interaction between all that each brings, good and bad and undefinable. why can’t it just be that?
At the end of the day, I kinda feel like a martyr if I stick with these relationships or like a coward if I don’t, putting the other person in an unfair situation because I didn’t vocalize my feelings throughout or giving up too easily because it’s uncomfortable or produces negative feelings.
…all I know is that I’m tired. and maybe that was a glimpse at why.
Silver lining (because you know there always is one)? In a few days, I will be away from the busyness and distraction and worldly concerns, exchanging it for 4 days of focus on healing myself and other. It’ll be emotional, painful, and amazing all at once as I share part of myself with these women that I haven’t ever done before with anyone, putting myself in a very vulnerable state (trust, I’ll write about it later). But I’ll also be surrounded by faith-filled women who have shown me unconditional love, without ever expecting anything more than what I can give, never judging what I bring or pulling for more than I am capable of at the moment. They are encouraging, loving, supportive, and challenge me to realize my worth while working to fulfill His will. …yup, it’s pretty spectacular. That’s the silver lining, that there is that type of love out there, ready for me, ready for us. We all deserve that type of love. That’s what shouldn’t be forgotten.
…maybe that’s why it’s so hard to be in relationships that don’t present even a fraction of this type of love. Unfair or setting me up for failure? maybe. But maybe not, because more than that, I think it’s simply proof that there are people out there who are able to love you (me) in a way that acknowledges (y)our worth while challenging (y)our being, instead of simply shutting you (me) down, stunting any possibility of growth or happiness.