*Prompted by the weekly writing challenge, words of wisdom during bikram, and undoubtedly, the unavoidable event happening at the end of the week, this moment came near midnight.
[rethinking valentine’s day & happy]
On the heals of facing some of my biggest challenges as my personal and professional
intersect collide, I had a moment. The past few weeks have been filled with a shit-ton of introspection that would have been better suited for a few therapy sessions…at least. But, instead, I’m on the opposite end, listening to stories of depression, alcoholism, eating disorders, and anxiety that at times hit too close to reality for me to be completely mindful. Most days/stories/moments/connections are easier than others, my desire to help heal others overriding the distracting thoughts. But some days, it takes concentrated effort to focus on the present moment that I have been granted undeservedly with another human being who is far more courageous than I. The moment happens, somehow, beyond my own power. but these moments results in those distracting thoughts sitting, waiting for me to acknowledge them at some point. I’ve been doing some of that through writing, draft sitting in my folder waiting for courage to be shares, to tell of the experiences of swimming against the current and clenched fists and history lessons. the courage will come. at its own time.
but this moment came first, spurred by restlessness. laying in bed, playlist on in attempts of lulling me to sleep given the 5am wake-up call awaiting me tomorrow. Instead, thoughts of the week began, of the weekly writing challenge and my want to write again, of Valentine’s days of previous years, of Valentine’s day this year. Counting Stars played as I sank further into the memories, negative/ridiculous/but unfortunately engrained thoughts of worth rushed back. self-blame. anger. hurt. so I began to pray. unsure of the words I would say but sure that they needed to be said. then these words interrupted my thoughts:
“In the moment of truth when your heart hits the floor and you’re on your knees
Love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
This is the first day of the rest of your life
‘Cause even in the dark you can still see the light
It’s gonna be alright…”
as I’ve shared before, tears don’t fall easily for me. but at this moment near midnight, as that song played, they did. sounds a tad dramatic but it wasn’t really. ignore the “this most likely-probably-definitely has been a scene in a few lifetime movies” and you’ve got yourself an experience many of us have had. just another one of those “life” moments. but the impact was felt. it was a moment of release. of surrender. of peace. of love.
So how’s this related in any way to Valentine’s day? well, love, duh! okay, the thing is is that during this moment, the idea of love, true love, was made clear. I won’t go on a soapbox about the commercialization of this day and how it’s lost meaning and how we should boycott the fruit arrangements made to look like bouquets of flowers which are actually quite delicious since chocolate is never wrong. Instead, I’ll highlight the amazing women that have redefined love for me. Relationships with men have left me with a skewed sense of what love is, or rather, through learning and moments of insight, what love isn’t. Over the past few weeks especially, women I have been privileged to connect with on a faith-filled, unconditional, limitless level are redefining that for me. That peace and surrender I felt during my moment near midnight was the release of the skewed memories I hoped would return and acceptance of the love I desire and deserve. For me, it’s His love. for others, it may be different. the funny thing is, it’s the same. at the end of the day, love, true love, is accepting. and unconditional. and allows you to be you, imperfections and all. not a word bound to action or mistakes or memories.
do not attach yourself to your memories. they are not you. attach yourself to your breath. your breath, that’s you. it’s visceral. it’s real. it’s now. ♡
also, I’ll leave you with this.
happy valentine’s day. and I love you. for real.