*this post was written about a month ago, waiting in my drafts for a better moment. today is that better moment..
Truth be told, I miss you…truth be told, I’m lying
I think that pretty much sums it up.
But, per usj (“usual” minus the –ual; it’s a thing), let’s explore.
I’ve recently been thinking about people in (or out) of my life. This was spurred by a semi-recent concert-going-John-Legend-can-sing-to-me-about-love-and-making-little-tax-write-offs-anytime-and-i-won’t-be-bitter night in ATX. [side note: it was beyond amazingness…aside from the “flip your hair one more time and I might just punch you” performance by the opening act. John Legend will always be my favorite kind of man: romantic, vocal chops that will soothe your soul, attractive, and good with his hands…on the piano 🙂
Aaanywho, I forgot where I was going with this….
Oh yes, I miss you. No, not you. Well, maybe you.
Okay, so here’s the thing, the “love is in the air” mood that was set that night was truly wonderful. I felt love.
No bitterness. Or gag-reflex activated.
I love love! …okay, that’s probably a tad bit exaggerated but not really all that much. I got to thinking that I have been single for a good while now and am okay with it. Exhaustion has helped quell my thirst for orange-hopped beers, cranberry vodka, and bad decisions but still. I’m good…mostly.
While I can sit here and type away the honesty that is my current state (single and happy…or just happy), I can’t sit here and lie to you. I do miss you sometimes (*you being you and you and him and her and them). Past relationships, romantic and not, that were formed from an intention of love will do that to you.
But the lying part comes in with the fact that I don’t miss it in the sense that I need the same love back like I thought I did before. Undeniably, I’m where I am because of those things. Had I not lost them or had they not been taken away, I wouldn’t be here. So while I miss you, I’m (sorta) lying. I miss you/it/whatever in the nostalgia sort of way. it was nice. memories (while probably distorted) were good. Buut i’m ready for new memories, new reasons to miss “you” in a better, less dependent way. I’ve learned. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve fallen. I’ve gotten back up. Mostly, I’ve grown.
In the end, as cheesy and cliché as it sounds, I’m right where I should be. ready for “you,” or maybe ready for me, whatever that means.
So while I don’t miss you, here’s what I do actually miss:
`dancing…and riding and hiking and pretty much anything that brings me peace
`Chicago….or living in a space I can make into a home, along or together
`dinner dates…eating meals at a table instead of a desk, with good company instead of a laptop, with connection instead of productivity
`reading…and writing and learning and challenging myself to continue growing.
*inspiration for title and idea of being where you should comes from the All-American Rejects (video below). I like the idea of waking up with a big smile on my face, never having it feel out of place. Let’s all try it. Be ready for you, friends 🙂