Go out and get busy. — or as i am…in this moment.

“If you want to conquer fear, don’t sit at home and think about it. GO out and get busy.” Dale Carnegie

i miss being motivated.

i miss working out every day.

i miss eating healthy. 

i miss praying daily.

i miss dancing.

i miss enjoying football or watching movies or reading.

i miss being able to drink more than 2 beers and staying up past 11pm.

i miss writing. and sharing. and making sense of it all through here.

i miss…you. and thinking i had it figured out.

 

i don’t know what it is exactly, but i’m kind of leaning toward fear.

fear of failure if i even attempt all of it any of it. fear of exhaustion if i let myself take it all on. fear of actually enjoying a life I am no sure i deserve. fear of losing control if i get a taste of how it used to. fear of returning to harmful choices and a liquid-infused decision-making processes void of actual processing. fear of exposing pieces of myself that have largely remained hidden. fear of the hurt i’d experienced before. fear of not being accepted…as i am…in this moment.

i think this goes for myself but also for others.

for myself: i know the road will be difficult, but that’s what makes it interesting and worth it in the end in the many moments. my struggles, public and not, undoubtedly add some extra weight to the already-heavy load but i figure if i learn to get out of my own way, some of that will be lessened and more moments of happy will shine through. however, i need to “go out and get busy” if i want any of it to change. sitting on my ass, hating it all, criticizing it all, and simply thinking about what i’d like to be different isn’t changing anyone’s world, especially mine. no more excuses.

for others: i struggle with the whole acceptance-i’m-worth-it thing bc i feel like i am a completely different person than i was a few years ago. for that, i’m not apologizing. but i do worry. i’ve got a lot of…issues baggage insecurities quirks and history. good and bad. however, at the end of the day, i think that for whoever enters into my life (baggage and sunshine and all), will find that I’m worth it…as i am…in this moment.

for you: no matter the struggle, no matter the weight, no matter the setbacks, keep going. try again. get back up. it’ll be worth it.

love, Clouds.

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