okay, not exactly.
but sorta exactly.
[sides notes: the following writing is a bit…poetic. filled with lots of fluffy words and honest emotions and unexpected vulnerability. so be kind as you read. also, i should really be sleeping. or writing one of a million things that may-possibly-actually determine my future un poquito. but that can wait. mostly, i wanted to share something with you: i think i’m finding my biutiful. it’s pretty amazing. and i hope sharing this helps you find yours.]
during the 3 weeks or so that i’ve completed so far, i’ve noticed more than my flexibility changing. or maybe it’s all about flexibility, allowing myself to finally notice things and just leave it at that. noticing. and being.
i’ve gained presentness. and confidence. and mostly, an appreciation for my physical body as way more than a number on a scale or a size on a tag, thoughts of what it’s not or will never be replaced with what it is and what it does for my spirit.
it’s effing amazing.
nakedness was involved in the creation of this moment. lots of it. should i elaborate? …yeah, probably; who knows what you’d think otherwise.
2nd back-story: in order to fit bikram into my daily life, i’ve had to make some adjustments…mostly to my sleep schedule (translation: i don’t sleep much anymore). i wake up at 5am to leave my house by 515 to make the class at 545. at 715, the wonderful women that i’ve met in this journey rush out of peace and into hecticness as they ready themselves in the women’s room to shower and prep themselves for the workday. i am included in this, having no extra time to go home and get ready. 3 showers, little time, and seemingly no insecurities result in little inhibitions and even less clothes. none actually. women, of all creeds and histories, stand confidently, naked-semi-naked-mostly-naked, perhaps credited to the tremendous strength their bodies had just exhibited over the course of the past hour so there’s no need to hide or be ashamed of anything.
eventually, through time and continued focus on stillness and breath in the room which transfers over to life outside, i am included in this. slowly. i still feel self conscious with the lack of clothing. some days more so. others, not so much. but there’s an acceptance in the space that’s hard to ignore. actually, i think it starts in the yoga room and carries through, filling people’s lungs, including my own. in the yoga room, I make a conscious effort to tell the person in the mirror that she is beautiful, as she is, simultaneously focusing on reaching further than I thought possible, trying to stretch my spine through my eyes. ((while i can’t take credit for these words being my own, i’ll let that imagery sink in for a minute, it’s kind of spectacular)).
am i a bit worried that my focus is shifting toward the unavoidable physical changes, like the number on the scale and my Mexican Mother’s comments on how my face looks so much thinner but still good? a tad. while i feel thinner, my clothes still fit as they have. and i feel healthy. but i had avoided weighing myself for that very reason, the distorted gratification i get from having others acknowledge it or seeing the weight come off, finally. but solely based on a number. since i stepped on the scale a few days ago and satisfied my ego, it’s become a bad habit.
but i’ve broken bad habits before. like biting my nails or hooking up with douchebags. it’s doable.
as always, it’s about balance and flexibility, allowing myself to notice the physical changes but placing just as much, if not more, emphasis on the strength that is building, inside out. and the biutiful person I see in the mirror every day.