After being continuously asked about my theory of change, I’m starting to not like the word.
but the actual change that is occurring seems unavoidable. so, i guess it’s not that bad.

Finding clear signs of change, small yet significant, has been helpful in pushing me forward, pushing  me toward better. Recognition of steps toward happy (in the “happy without discrediting feelings of frustration, overwhelm, sadness, you-get-the-point” sorta way of course).

Here’s what I notice:

* I notice when I’m tense.

  • I carry stress, anger, sadness, overwhelm on my shoulders, deep in the muscle, tensing up, creating strain and pain and discomfort. But lately, I’ve noticed this. And released the tension upon said noticing. It’s kind of amazing. And it happens a lot. the noticing. I take it as a good thing. I notice. And I change it. Good job, Clouds.

* I notice when I’m slipping into unproductive thinking.

  • I think about him* sometimes. Of what I could have done. Of what I didn’t do. Of what i hoped for. And then of the reality of it all, of how he’s not here. …here in a non physical sense, romantic sense, or spatial sense; take your pick.

    *there are a few to pick from; some from recent past and others more distant, some I still have to see regularly, others I have yet to face. (*’a few’ in a non-whore-ish way but that doesn’t matter really bc even if it was in a whore-ish way, I wouldn’t define it as such since I’m a single woman who can make those kind of choices).

    Aaanyway, I think of him. Environmental cues, loneliness, or nostalgic curiosities usually spark these moments of thinking. But again, I notice. And I stop. …or I don’t if I’m in a particularly reflective, “let the sadness wash over me while I drink some whiskey next to the fireplace” kinda mood (no worries, peoplefriends, I’m more of a beer girl so that doesn’t happen much. Plus I don’t really have a fireplace so that limits that moment a bit).

* I noticed there was an absence of guilt when I ate the cheesecake.

  • I had it for lunch. like, it literally was all i had for lunch. and I was okay. no guilt. no negative thinking. no voice in my head telling me i shouldn’t have done that. Seems small. But it kinda.really.actuallly was pretty big. I’ve talked endlessly ((but probably not as in depth as what goes on in my head)) about being beautiful and biutiful and struggle and cycles and blahdeeblahblah. After a while, I was starting to annoy myself with all the intellectualizing and lack of action or change. I think this speaks more to the fact that I probably wasn’t reflecting as openly or being as honest (with myself) as I tend to do when my writing actually leads me to change. But anyway, I had cheesecake for lunch. Not gonna lie, it was pretty effing delicious. At the moment, I credit this change to Bikram and my current challenge of doing yoga daily. I’m hoping to actually take credit of this change myself someday but, for now, I’ll take the small step of actually acknowledging change instead of no step.

So, what do you notice?


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