it’s been a weird week for me.
it started with me standing in front of a congregation last Sunday. correction: it started with me singing in front of the congregation. i did it. slightly nervous. but mostly, enjoying two of my most favoritest things in the world: singing and experiencing my faith. what made it even more amazing was that i got to share it with tons and tons of people. seriously, the pews were completely filled despite my hopes that they wouldn’t be.
but it went well, i think. i felt good about it. i was proud of me. of moving past discomfort. of sharing my voice.
and then i experienced the complete opposite. my voice silenced past my typical during introduction to a new set of people, to a new place. feelings of inadequacy overtaking possibilities of amazing opportunities awaiting me over the next year.
and then, deadlines and overwork and reality my current academic responsibilities set in. so i wrote. for hours. and hours. and read. and educated myself more about what it is I am fighting for.
and theeen, all this ended with a night out in a city i never truly experienced sober. balanced this time. Shiner and shots and short dresses and socializing. coupled with 3am pizza runs on empty city streets. this time unblurred. i loved it. all of it. except maybe bad decisions at the end of the night to reach out to someone unreachable…or perhaps thankful for that experience since it solidified my need, and finally achieved ability, to be alone without being lonely.
alone, these events say something different about me. like that i’m confident. or a pushover. or dedicated. or in denial. or having had a drunken past. or experiencing a balanced present. or maybe that i can still party til 4am and hold my own.
but together? together, these things create a picture that is as cluttered and confused as i feel. especially given that they all occurred in the same week. cluttered, confused and exhausted. but also, from it all, i think something sorta amazing has developed. or at least begun to develop. and that is a sense of calm coupled with renewed fight. a very dear friend shared the following quote with from His Holiness the Dalai Lama. i think it’s a fitting culmination of my current state, weird week and all…
“Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something, and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent.”