más vale sola que mal acompañada when you’re hoping for change.

there’s this saying in Spanish, a dicho.

dicen: “más vale sola que mal acompañada.”

translation: better alone than with bad company.

 

there’s another saying. this one in English. it’s attributed to Albert Einstein. smart man. must be good advice.

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

 

and finally, Andy Andrews, an author of self-help books, stated:

“Every thing good that has happened in your life happened because something changed.”

 

see a pattern here? aside from my love of using the words of others as much as i can to share and write and explore, these kind of sum up my current state of mind. let’s explore, shall we? …rhetorical question bc we both know exploration is undoubtedly happening. fo’ sho.

 

so here’s the thing, i’m trying really really really hard not to be cynical and to maintain my usual sunshine & rainbows view of world. really. so the result is inner reflection. and i’m also trying really really really hard not be be self-critical or assume everything should be on me. really. aaand i’m also trying really really really hard not to be insane, per Mr. Einstein’s definition. really. so that leaves me very busy. and with a headache.

 

i have come to some conclusions though:

`if rejection (even in the slightest form) still hurts me to the core and causes me to question my self (like before), change is needed…because you should never question yourself at the expense of your self.

`if i become tearful (again) after feeling objectified, change is needed…because even if it’s not intended, my truth matters just as much.

`if i (and i’ll deny it if you ask) continue to do things/be places/make subtle comments in hopes something different will happen, change is needed…because we know it won’t otherwise.

`if good is there (hopefully waiting though i’m not sure for how long and if waiting is actually happening) but i continue to choose what doesn’t seem to be good (for me), change is needed…because at the end of the day i’m worth good, if not better.

`if some around me (just a few) take away from my happy more than they contribute to it, change is needed..because even a few can make a big impact.

 

here’s the (other) thing, people-friends: wanting change trumps any potential attempts at avoidance of personal responsibility. true story.

 

and-also-too, there’s this:

 

i’ve seen this saying before, thinking “yeah! fight for me dammit!” with that inner-kelly-clarkson rage that is lurking inside us all (male or female, it’s there. dig deep. you’ll find it). and then it hit me. doesn’t this not then apply to me as well? why am i not the one fighting? if i complain for what’s lost, can i say that the complaining is justified in that i fought for it? probably not. and that’s not cool, folks. can’t expect others to do different if i’m not leading by example.

 

i’m pretty passive at times, admittedly avoiding personal responsibility if i can help it. waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen. (side note: this actually only pertains to my personal life. somehow, i become ambitious and a go-getter and kind.of.pretty amazing when it comes to anything that will help me build a professional self that helps others in attempts to create positive change in the world. it’s a thing. i’m not sure of the psychology behind it all yet. but that’s okay. and besides the point. so i’ll return to the point…now). so basically, i think i’m tired of complaining when i haven’t put in at least an adequate amount of effort toward said fighting. i’m ready to fight. (seriously. i’ve always wanted to get into it with someone, hoping my skill set from kickboxing classes will transfer. i’m telling you, i got a pretty nice (not so nice?) right hook). but the new thing now is that i’m not sure what exactly i’m fighting for at this point.

 

scratch that.

i’m fighting for me until someone/something gives me reason toward latter. and for you. because at the end of the day, my goal continues to be action toward positive change for others. just gotta make sure i’m included in that.

what are you fighting for?

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