“if i can’t have love, i’ll take sunshine”

a strange, wonderful thing happened: i left alone…and i was okay.

seems small but it was far from it for me. i think i’ve mentioned before my tendency to fill emptiness with inebriation and superficial connection, in that order. and, while i’ve never shied away from honesty nor am ashamed of my sexuality, i’m not a fan of spreading news of spreading other things because, honestly, it’s no one’s business other than whoever is involved and who i choose to share it with.

what was the point i wanted to make here? oh yes, i went home alone. and it was actually pretty awesome. while the results were different between last weekend and this, there wasn’t a need either time. and that’s the awesome part. that’s how i know (much needed) change is happening. the former weekend was void of need and filled with good intentions, but also probably filled with even better chemistry, so there that went. in the moment. real. semi-superficial but understood as such by both. none of this “i want you so i’ll have you” bullshit that was happening before. the latter weekend was also void of need. need to feel “loved,” in whatever capacity that would be given. need to not be alone. need to not be lonely. needs that i’ve struggled with before. and felt suffocating me most recently as why mes and why not mes filled my head and heart. until they didn’t anymore. literally, a shift within the last week, spurred by unexpected realization of what is actually important in life. spurred by death and dying and grieving and seeing family at their best and seeing family at their worst. spurred by the conclusion that there needs to be a shift in my thought process from focusing on how much others love me to how much (and how) i love others.

“Love is not just a word, love is not just an emotion, it is a crucial spiritual element that will guide all of us to a better state of being if we only come to accept it for what it is.”

i kind of feel like i have to wait now though. sitting with discomfort and some loneliness while i wait for my personal to catch up with my professional. forcefully? maybe so. but perhaps a good forced state to be in at the moment. i’ve talked about talking about my “swimming against the current for too long” experience of life. still vague, i know, but basically it has to do with my continued journey in exploring the ins and outs of this happiness thing…and perhaps experiencing some along the way. i think the next step is this: i need to learn to enjoy the sunshine a bit, you know? appreciate life in all its glory and misery. knowing that it’s okay to be lonely but it’s also okay to be alone. knowing that superficial connection is allowed if it’s allowed by me and the other.

also, i’ve made some pretty amazing connections; there’s no denying that. undeserved, in my opinion. kind souls and free spirits have walked in (and out) of my life, over the past couple of years especially. but, honestly, i’m kinda.sorta.actually waiting on that connection that will last past Saturday night, like miss etta james so elegantly sings. past the late night drinks. past the liquid courage-filled questions and confessions. past the public displays of affection.

so, while waiting on my sunday kind of love to arrive isn’t going away completely, i think enjoying my sunshine is equally as important while i do so. agreed?

 

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