august 11. 2011.
that’s when this journey started. with ramblings at midnight. seems to be when most of my good thinking happens.
well, folks, milestone moment has come (in my opinion, at least). i’ve hit 100. 100 posts. 100 ramblings. some more impactful than others. but all real. well, sort of.
i’ve got a confession. an actual one. one that i feel is important to share with you all. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my words have been some what edited as of late, scattered beyond my usual, superficial in comparison to their usual essence. confession is this: it’s because i stopped thinking about you. and about me. in your and my place? him. them. her. you. (but not you). i’ve been allowing my usual thought process to be influenced by superficial meaningless shit like, “what will he think?” “or him?” or “i know he reads this, should i write that?” or “will she read this?” i started writing lists and confessions that sometimes weren’t confessing anything, getting lost in my own words (and not in the usual get-lost-to-find-yourself way i had been) when really, what worked before, what got me to this amazing-yet-still-need-to-grow place i am presently in was exploration. full, uncensored exploration. and words. actual words. not bullshit edits and re-edits because he/she/you (but not you) might find it offensive or take it the wrong way.
i forgot about you. i forgot about me. i forgot about why i write. i forgot about my always faithful intention to speak honestly but without intent to impose or cause hurt. i forgot about this:
this is why. seriously, look at it! all i think to myself is, how effing awesome is this?? Greece. France. Dominican Republic. Australia. Thailand. Qatar. mi Mexico. Italy!
I am beyond humbled when I see this. and i thank you wholeheartedly. My sincerest hope has always been that my exploration (or whatever the hell it is I do bc some days I really wonder), that my words have some sort of positive impact on you, even if miniscule, and, that by default /slash/ circle-of-life-we’re-all-connected-karmatic way i see things, some sort of positive impact on the world. small change, big change. your smile/reflection/healing can lead to sooo much…or at least i believe so. some of this i am fortunate to see firsthand, friends offering their kind words or reflections after graciously reading mine. it still humbles me beyond what you’ll believe.
so, what’s moral of this story? well, it’s simple: back to basics, folks.
i think i can write again. uncensored. honestly. vulnerably. like i did before.
life’s recent events, the loss of a life taken way too early, taken at my age, solidified some decisions with regards to change that had already begun brewing in my head and heart. i’ve been drowning a bit after swimming against the current for too long (one of the honest-uncensored-vulnerable-but-hopefully-probably-healing things i’ve been wanting to write but avoiding…until
now soon). i’ve been worrying. and wondering. and questioning my worth. and being overly critical of myself, all adding to the weight i usually carry. but why? why am i worrying about petty shit, about people who at the end of the day care more about themselves than others me, about trivial aspects of life that may be gone tomorrow because we may not be here tomorrow?
good question, Clouds. good question..