i wonder if you’ll wait for me (and other things)

wondering near midnight. when i should be sleeping. or writing. not this writing. but other writing. it wasn’t coming though. chalked it up to writer’s block. then, after google and authors’ quotes informed me gently that writer’s block is basically a bullshit excuse:

Writer’s block? I’ve heard of this. This is when a writer cannot write, yes? Then that person isn’t a writer anymore. I’m sorry, but the job is getting up in the fucking morning and writing for a living. ~Warren Ellis

I learned to produce whether I wanted to or not. It would be easy to say oh, I have writer’s block, oh, I have to wait for my muse. I don’t. Chain that muse to your desk and get the job done. ~Barbara Kingsolver

All writing is difficult. The most you can hope for is a day when it goes reasonably easily. Plumbers don’t get plumber’s block, and doctors don’t get doctor’s block; why should writers be the only profession that gives a special name to the difficulty of working, and then expects sympathy for it? ~Philip Pullman

There’s no such thing as writer’s block. That was invented by people in California who couldn’t write. ~Terry Pratchett

Writer’s block doesn’t exist…lack of imagination does. ~Cyrese Covelli

Writer’s Block is just an excuse by people who don’t write for not writing. ~Giando Sigurani

i decided to keep writing. even if it’s not related, in the end it is. because it has allowed words to actually start flowing again.

that flow of words came out as thoughts. thoughts that i wonder. about you. randomly. or bound to a setting. sometimes. or all the time. affecting me. or glossed over without second thought.
side note: *you* refers to you and you and you, maybe not you. from my past. from my present. maybe from my future. so don’t assume it’s about you…although it might be. but probably not.

wandering…while wondering

i wonder if you:

…ever think about me, about us

…read my words, know my story

…will ever try

…are happy, honestly

…will ever take responsibility for your part in all this, in why it didn’t work

… are slowly but surely making your way to me, to where I am in every sense of the phrase

…accept my apologies

…are strong enough to give me what i need, to help me heal

…realize what a fool you were

…regret anything, but i truly hope you don’t

…know that i am proud of you, whatever weight that carries

…will ever be better, do better, for you

…can love me at my worst

…can stop building a life for someone to fit into and instead find someone who will build a life that fits with you both

…realize that i will always pray for you, even if you don’t want me to, even if you’ll never know

…take back your words

…know that i loved you as best i knew how

…can see the fight in me, how i’ll never give up

…will wait for me like you said, even if it doesn’t make perfect sense.

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