things i’ll never be.

so i’ve been thinking some lately on things i’ll never be. not in the “self-accepting, i ain’t got time for that, nor do i want to try and please you” type of way. more in the “self-blame, self-critical, and whatever other negative self- you can think of” sense. comparing myself to others. to what others have. to what others don’t have. to how hard i’m trying but still feel like i’m falling behind. focusing on what I’m missing instead of what I have been blessed undeservedly so with. i’m not completely sure whether i’m in the self-accepting part of things yet but i do find myself moving away from the latter a bit. just a little bit. enough for me to question my own effed up thought process. first small step will lead to more, right? maybe. hopefully. anyway…

things i’ll never be:

`a size zero.
or a size 2. heck, i think even a size 4 might be outta reach given my failed attempts difficulty reaching (unrealistic?) goals lately. i’ve written about it before. i’ll write about this later.

`completely honest (aloud).
not in the “i’ll lie to you because i’m trying to be deceitful or for personal gain” sense but mostly in the “that’s just not me” reasons. and because i’ll pretty much always think of you before me.

`a bitch.
somewhat along the same line of reasoning as above. don’t get me wrong, i might think it. my unedited split-second initial thoughts support the idea that my inner voice is somewhat of a bitch. but just a tad somewhat. because after that split-second, i think immediately of context. and reasons why. anything to explain your behavior other than attributing it to your character. and so those bitchy, not-so-nice, critical and kinda judgmental thoughts leave as quickly as they came, understanding and curiosity remaining in their place. honestly. i’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, even if other don’t.

`content with myself and in a state of Happy more often than not.
this one is a bit tricky but i think i can say it and mean it. i’m not referring to not being proud of my accomplish or content with my experiences with others or happy with what life and He has given me (undeservedly so, as mentioned many times) or about having regrets. it’s none of those things. i’m thinking about cycles and struggles and why your words and actions affect me more than most, more than i’d like.  i’ll write about this later. (truth be told, i’ve started writing about this. on extra space, in margins, in my head. but i’m not there yet in terms of wanting to share it with you. partially because i feel it might shatter crack the illusion of my happy you have a little bit…partially because it might crack that illusion i have. mostly, it hasn’t felt right. and i never write until it feels right…). and, at the end of the day, i’ll always keep pushing forward.

`simple…or complicated.
i’ll always do a million things. want to accomplish more. want to help more. try to better myself in some way. and carry at least 3 bags when i leave my house (work stuff, gym stuff, homework/writing stuff)…at least. contrary to your belief, it doesn’t mean that i need to fill life with these things because i’m missing something. simply, i will always, always strive to be better (for you, not than you). always. i’m still working on me…He’s still working on me. and you will always know what i need. healing love. by all. nothing crazy. or complicated. no guessing games.

“God is still working on you and at the right time He is going to take you places that you could never go on your own.” J. Olsteen

so, while i’m not at the “i accept these limitations/differences/whatever they are fully and embrace them and love myself for them” stage with these, i am not in the “self-loathing, completely critical” space i was. not gonna lie, i’m not completely far from this either. but, the acknowledging this i think holds more power than struggling quietly. and what i am acknowledging is that this, these things, are a part of me, a part of who i am (or am not)…and that’s okay at the moment.


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