I think I’ll write about rainbows.

I was going to write about things I shouldn’t be writing about. About what I’m missing instead of what I have. About how I’m tired of waiting but how I don’t know what for exactly. About doing. and being. and thinking too much. And feeling too little…or too much; I can’t tell the difference right now. I was going to write about sadness and labels and not knowing what’s wrong sometimes. Or about wanting a friends-with-benefits kinda of moment.

Instead, for today, I think I’ll write about rainbows. And what saved me. All those other things will remain and can will be written another day.

Unexplained and overwhelming emotion swept over me the other day. Frustration after conversation. Frustration after snippets of thoughts of unworthiness attempted to creep back in. frustration of thoughts of potential regression after sooo much progress. And then, this:

 

between the houses. in the clouds. it’s there. for reals. but barely. definitely more amazing in person, but you gotta take my word for it.

followed by this on the radio:

 

A rainbow. a song. some tears.

that’s all it took to save me. to shift my negative thinking to thoughts of how blessed I am, no matter what I think is missing from my life. I’m not downplaying my struggles. Nor am I neglecting the fact that I am missing a certain something from my life for it to feel complete fuller. But what happened at that moment, that moment when I needed it most, that moment when I was at risk of taking a million steps backwards, that moment was indescribable. No, actually, it was kinda.sorta.pretty amazing. Basically, it saved me. And it’s allowing me to continue forward, questions, frustrations, missing pieces and all.

And for that, I am thankful. i hope you find your rainbow.

I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean. A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I’m calling. Lord, You catch me when I’m falling.
And You’ve told me who I am. I am Yours…

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