I should come with a warning label — or love me at my worst
you’ve seen them. warning labels. prompting/preparing you for possible disaster or harm. “highly flammable.” “combustible.” “do not leave in direct sunlight….OR ELSE!”
…okay, i added that last part in for dramatic effect but you get the idea. i think i should have one of those.
“warning: awesomeness accompanied by slight complication due to current life situation (you know, the whole there’s-not-enough-hours-in-a-day-to-do-everything-i’m-supposed-to-and-still-have-a-well-rounded-existence-that-includes-healthy-living-and-positive-socialization-plus-family-time-and-studying-and-possibly-sleeping current life situation”).
and i’m sure you’ve seen or heard the commercials describing various side effects of when trying a medication for the first time, right?
“side effects may include: migraines, nausea, fatigue, insomnia, weight gain, weight loss, suicidal thoughts, hair loss, increased hair growth, voice changes, pregnancy…..and death.” again, dramatic. i know. buuut you get my point. and i’m sure you can guess what follows.
…if i came with one of these:
“side effects will mostly include you dealing with my experience of:
-high levels of stress
-high levels of stress demonstrated in a “i’m pretty sure she’s going crazy but i ain’t saying nothing bc i think she could plead insanity to whatever action follows me calling this to her attention” kinda way
-lack of sleep
-improper nutritional habits
-improper nutritional habits which will then affect my body image
-improper nutritional habits which will then affect my body image and influence my mood
-needing high levels of emotional support
-complaints of needing high levels of emotional support
-feeling bad for complaints of said need
-self-blame for all of the above”
If i were able to carry that around, warning label, side effects, and all, i would feel better about not asking the obvious question of “do you know what you’re getting yourself into?” (if that moment ever arrives). it would save us all some time, no?
…let’s let that percolate a bit, shall we?
::jeopardy theme song can play in the background during said percolation::
and then i think, if someone were to meet me now, at this current phase in my life described above, they’d think i’m kindasortaprobs insane. but the truth is, i’m just in grad school. about to apply for internship. and present my disseration proposal. which isn’t written. and am going to class, and working. and am underpaid. And kinda going broke. [translation: i am kindasortaprobs insane…but only for the next 4- to 5-months, promise].
In conclusion (because this has seriously felt extremely scattered and like a presentation made under the influence of a full-now-empty bottle of parrot bay rum (story on that experience later) and in need of some summarizing):
i am no longer needing someone else to be happy. weekends away, maintenance of balance, and appreciation for an undeserved life have allowed me to maintain my happy. however, i am finally open to it. (whatever it is). open to anything. to nothing. buuut i sometimes feel like that it, that someone who can handle appreciate me at my worst (which current life phase described above is as “worst” as it’s been — again, undeserved blessed life acknowledged openly) should maybe be around now and is the someone who i would gladly, openly, naturally given my best to. (though being completely, honest, i think that would happen regardless…it would just be appreciated a tad bit more if I can say they were around while I broke down, melted down, and pushed through).
An actual conclusion for you literary folks:
- main idea 1: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” (good conclusion Miss Monroe)
- main idea 2: my thoughts (and writings as a result) may will be kinda sorta really scattered for the next few months, blamed on phase-of-life problems (which may be a copout but neither you nor i can be too sure of that until December of this year at the earliest, summer 2015 at the latest) and above-stated side effects will go away as well…or at least 90% of them.