Confession #10: I need to be a better friend…but maybe we all do
I’ve always felt this way. About you. And her. And them. And him. Especially him.
I could reach out more. Invite out more. Accept invitations more. Call. Damn it, I know I could call. But I don’t. I pray for you. I really do. Always. I keep you in my thoughts. Is that enough? Do you expect more? I don’t know. I won’t know. Because I don’t talk to you how I should. I don’t tell you how much you mean to me. how much i care about you. how much I love you. as a person/friend/being..
What has bothered me most recently (and by ‘most recently’ I mean ‘it’s actually been a thing but I haven’t called attention to it because I’d rather focus on change from my end first’) is the degree of inconsiderateness that seems to flow from others/friends/partners/beings. part of me can excuse this as having been facilitated by me to some degree. What I mean is that I guess I have this way of being that is very much freeing, liberating others to just do what they feel and not necessarily keep me in mind. It’s a genuine thing from me. I want others to be themselves, act as they will, say what they think, not altering their actions for fear of my reaction. It’s inhibiting. Why would anyone want to inhibit life?
Let’s shift gears a lil bit. Remember Newton’s third law of motion? It’s the one that says that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction…in case you’re far removed from 7th grade science class like I am. [stick with me, it’s all related]. In encouraging the above from others, I forget about my reaction [equal and opposite reaction, si?]. Because, as a human being who feels deeply and connects more than I’d like (or show), I do react. Probably not in the moment. But I do. intensely/immensely/consumingly. seriously. it happens. my bedroom walls can attest to that.
Given this, I excuse the fact that there are some inconsiderate assholes out there. Probably you included. Probably me included. Not purposefully. never. …mostly never. But it happens. And lack of consideration hurts like hell. I’ve never had a friend/partner/being who hasn’t hurt me to some degree. I’ve had friends accuse me of horrible, untrue, things that attacked my character and being. I’ve had friends steal my teenage-misguided-but-still-very-real love. I’ve had partners who have blindsided me and broke my heart without warning. I’ve had partners steal away their misunderstood-but-still-very-real love. I’ve had partners make me question whether I was enough. Per these experiences, I’m assuming that it doesn’t exist; unhurtful relationships, that is. Should it? Again, it’s human nature to be flawed, unsure, questioning. But, is it human nature to hurt others? perhaps. I don’t have that answer. I do know I’m tired of hurting. Like seriously effing tired. It’s actually exhausting. What that means for me moving forward I don’t know. Will I detach even more than I already do? Will it take me that much longer to let someone in? will I just say, “screw it” and keep start putting myself out there in spite of it all, in spite of the hurt? i.dont.know. /slash/ i.kinda.know. and that’s the part that sucks.
So much for keeping these next few confessions light and superficial, huh?
what I learned from this confession: At the end of the day, I think I, you, we all need to think more about Newton in our daily interactions. In our friendships. In our relationships. And mostly, simply, in our manner of being. I’ll start with me. You can continue if you’d like. or at least just think about it.
Related yet unrelated but pretty much on track: