Confession #9: i think unchurchly things sometimes…while at church.
[brief aside: the next few confessions are going to be a bit less…existential. or deep. or whatever. my head and heart can’t handle any more insight or unanswered questions at the moment. daily headaches are the reminder of that. and probably more of a reminder that i need to reconnect with my self and my soul. so i will. privately. but i figured i’d keep up with some confessions, truthful and real and me. okay, read on.]
so yes, i think unchurchly things at church sometimes. it happens. it depends a lot on the crowd and the level of my attention deficit that particular Sunday. but basically, i think they’re unchurchly because i probably should spend less time judging/observing/pondering/reacting and more time reflecting/listening/being, especially during mass. don’t get me wrong, i go to mass every Sunday and it seems like the readings and reflections are always directed toward me. *reworded in less narcissistic language: He always knows what i need and directs me to listen for what i should, what will help me grow, learn, heal, hope. and i feel like i usually get exactly what is intended for me with each service…most times. sometimes, not so much (again, due to inner and outer context).
so, in no particular order, here’s a list of some of those things and thoughts with which i am distracted:
1. seeing a
couple happy couple: aww that’s sweet. they share their faith and love and they’re perfect. i want that!…oh, i like this song. i should probably pay attention to the service now
2. seeing the alter boys/girls/servers, yawning and distracted: ha! i caught you! wake up! aww now i’m yawning! not cool, sir, not cool. i’m sleepy. and cold. 5 hours a night ain’t cutting it. but last night was so much fun. i’ll suck it up. or choose a later service next time. …time to hold hands and pray and ask for peace and forgiveness for my sins. i should probably focus
3. seeing a family with well-behaved children and the most adorable infant soundly sleeping: oh.emm.gee. love, love, love! can’t stop smiling! i’m literally smiling right now, while scripture is being read. i wonder if people are looking at me like i’m a weirdo? i don’t care, that family is adorable! i hope to have that some day!..collection time, gotta get my offering ready and sing another song, loudly and wholly
4. seeing a family with not-so-well-behaved children, running, screaming, crying: seriously? i came to mass to reflect and be in peace. Sir, you really have to get a hold of your kids! c’mon! i can’t hear or think! maybe if i look over in your direction you’ll get the hint. you have 5 kids and they’re all distracting me from my peace at the moment. why can’t you handle your kids? i remember my dad would pinch us if we even thought about misbehaving at church. yeah, i changed my mind, i don’t want children. …i’m going to try and listen now by holding the ear closest to you closed
5. seeing a 20-something man, alone: you’re cute. i wonder if you’re single..probably not. if you are, why? you’re young, and attractive, and you attend Sunday mass. alone (which i assume means it’s by choice). you’re perfect. who wouldn’t want that ::sigh:: i’m alone too. just sitting here. unaccompanied. why? maybe because boys are dumb. or maybe it’s me (after all, i am the common denominator here). blahhh whatever …umm i should probably focus on the sermon now..
what I learned from this confession: while the above thoughts are in and of themselves not harmful/hurtful/detractors from my well-being as a whole, the ideas behind them may be. wanting more or other instead of being at peace with what has been so graciously given, judging others or reacting negatively instead of understanding everyone’s struggles and strengths, ruminating thoughts instead of focused meditation; even though they don’t happen often (and i’m pretty good about keeping myself in check), they aren’t helpful. but at the end of the day, all i can do is try to do better. and i will.