Confession #5: I’m actually not scared of commitment…it’s true. really.
Contrary to popular belief (mostly supported by me), I’m actually not scared of commitment. It’s actually abandonment that scares me shitless. Yup, true story.
I can go into the whole insecure attachment-childhood-experiences-teenage-years-and-heartbreak excuses behind it all…but I won’t. it takes too much energy. And, at the end of the day,
it doesn’t change much; it doesn’t change anything.
But, thanks to reflection, and writing, and experiences, I learned something important. My fear of abandonment is presented through this guise of commitment-phobia, which basically means me pushing others away. The excuse is typically “I’m not ready,” “I’m not in a good place,” “I have to find myself,” or something similarly gag-inducing, when in reality it should be “I know you’re going to leave me so I’ll make sure I do it first or at least keep you a foot away so it won’t hurt as much,” which is more on point [again, too much insight for my own good buuut at the end of the day it’s actually pretty helpful]
what I learned from this confession: what I am scared of is that even if I meet/have met the one, if the above continues to happen, I will more than likely push that person away, and, once I’m ready to move past that fear, that person will be over it, over me. Again, I can recognize this as part of the fear…partially. In my defense, heartbreaks are so…painful. Seriously. Who in their right mind would knowingly go into something aware of pain and hurt and literal heartache as a possible outcome?? …oh yeah, human beings who believe in love. like me. Damn, I’m screwed.
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