Confession #3:– I find it difficult to believe in “the one”
Here’s my problem:
first, to preface this, I just want to say that I know a lot of judgment might come from this. And I’m okay with that. Given the topic and the readers, both known and unknown, I think it’s natural to assume. especially based on previous writings. Call me jaded, heartbroken, guided by past experiences, letting him determine them, living in the past, overexaggerated. It’s okay. Maybe I’m all of those things. But maybe I’m not.
So back to it. Here’s my confession…and my problem: I don’t think I believe in the idea of “the one.” You know, the one who’s supposed to be your perfect match (whether it be in the actual perfect sense of the word or the more realistic imperfect perfect sense of it). The one who’s supposed to save you. The one who’s supposed to be your all, your one and only. The one who’s supposed to be your soulmate. The one who’s supposed to be “the one.”
It’s happened more than once, more than twice, enough for me to wonder. Amazing (and some not so amazing) individuals have given me there all, before I was ready. maybe before they were ready. But it’s felt authentic. I have wanted to scream “you don’t even know me! And I’m not doing anything! You are giving me love beyond deserved. You are the one who is amazing and selfless, not me!” at the top of my lungs, louder than the loudest my voice has ever.
I think it comes down to me always wanting to be useful, productive, purposeful. I want to know what it is I’m doing, what I do to deserve the love I receive, countless times, without intention, without asking for it… without thinking i deserving it maybe
Even looking back to the one I thought was the one, I kind of still didn’t. I remember the beginning of the relationship was basically me being annoyed that he was always around. He literally never left. I don’t know if I ended up falling in love and believing he was the one or simply settling with the idea that this man, individual seemed to love me like no other and believed in forever so I should hold on to that. Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of; never sure of when I’m falling versus when I’m settling. [wow, that’s deep…damn you, insight; ain’t nobody got time for that much thinking!]
Anyway, I guess it’s just hard for me to believe there is “one” when it seems like more than one has thought I was “the one.” And the one I thought was the one and mad me believe I was the one left me and ended up not being the one. I might’ve confused you a tad bit there with that stream of consciousness…translation: I confused myself . The whole confusion thing is kind of fitting in a parallel-process-to-life sorta way.
Plusalso, I think I’ve just been disillusioned lately with relationships around me ending, divorcing, breaking up, people being in relationships they don’t want to be in, unhappiness all around. That doesn’t make sense to me either.
what I learned from this confession: Mostly, I’m pretty sure the above are all excuses and further proof in support of my fear of commitment and evidence that I should just cowboy-the-fuck-up and tell those I love that I love ’em and those I don’t that I don’t. plusalsotoomaybe redefine my idea of “the one” and love love like i used to…
Related yet unrelated yet pretty much on track::