“concentrating on falling apart” — or on rebuilding

We’re concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we’re throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe…” — Brand New

i should be sleeping. more so than most nights probably. but i’m not. mostly-probably-perhaps because i find myself stuck in that vicious cycle. again.

you know, that one that causes me to fight til i’m drained in order to rise but then fail and fall. you know, this one. i’m at the point i don’t like. the one that isn’t so great. where the falling takes place. and not in the butterflies-in-the-stomach-your-smile-makes-me-melt type of falling. i’d welcome that type right about now…and have admittedly gotten a small taste of it perhaps, but i can’t be too sure. instead i’m in the place where i’m trying, fighting, hard to break the cycle. to not retreat. to not escape. being honest, folks, it’s hard as hell. but i think i’m being more honest about it this time around. seriously. i rarely, very rarely, open myself up to others (yes, i figure it’s probably hard to believe given this whole blogging shindig/happening/platform where i share my me on almost a weekly basis. but it’s true. for reals). well, i changed that for a bit, seeking the insights from one of my supervisors whose psychodynamic-humanistic-kinda-attractive-in-an-intellectual-professional-sorta way made it pretty damn easy. and comfortable. and comforting.

anywho, his suggestion? vacation. considering i haven’t had an actual “break” break in who knows how long, i pretty much packed my bags the moment he provided support and encouragement and accommodation by way of pretty much telling me to take at least 2 weeks off when i need it. at least i did mentally. i’ll have to wait a month or so til it actually happens but i think it’s a great motivating force, of a different kind.

the plan? use that planned time in the most unplanned way possible. to recharge for future work and accomplishment of goals. to re-energize in order to re-obtain the level of passion i seemed to have let slip away. but mostly, to rebuild. rebuild myself, my identity, my life. without that damned cycle. because i can do that. i’m ready for sunshine. and water. and sand. and clouds. yup, definitely some clouds.



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