“the inner progressiveness of love” – or on losing balance

Th[e] inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life. –Sir Hugh Walpole

i don’t know how to describe what happened exactly. i just know that it did. i was just lying there. ((after not just lying there)). and then it happened. some sort of shift. a feeling. an instance. subtle. very subtle. but present. very present. i literally felt something shift, change within me, within how i felt.

i don’t have a word for it. …okay, i’m lying. i think i have a word for it. but i’m waiting. waiting to put it out there. or out here. partially because i don’t want someone to read it and run with it, not allowing me the space to be wrong. the other partially is because i want to be sure. because i’m not. or i am. can’t be too sure at this point. what i am sure of is that this wasn’t part of the unplanned plan i had. whatever this is. whatever is happening, it wasn’t supposed to. there were too many buts and what ifs and moments of that all-too-familiar feeling of wanting to run. too many to possibly get to this point. yet, somehow, i have. or i think i have. but i can’t be sure yet. but i kinda am.

given how my life has played out thus far, all of this confusion actually seems very fitting. nothing has happened as thought or planned or planned in an unplanned way. but i feel like this is a step toward turning that corner in the direction of amazing. professionally and personally, for once. yes, i am aware that there are contradictions up the wazoo present in what i just finished saying in the last few phrases. and i also realize that i just used the word “wazoo.” i don’t care. it’s sortof a new attitude i’ve been trying to go with as of late, in place of the fuck-you stance i considered previously. seems a tad…nicer, without losing the underlying eff-you vibe.

i don’t know what this all means in the whole moving-forward-but-living-in-the-moment-but.also.too-recognizing-change-is-inevitably-coming grand scheme of things. nor am i (overtly) concerned with that at the moment. i’m focused on that feeling, that shift. it truly was something very much felt yet incredibly indescribable. ‘divine accident’ seems partially fitting.

maybe i’ll tell you about it later, after some conversations and side notes take place. and after i find some balance…

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