So here it is. My vicious cycle. Brought to realization over conversation and beer…I’ve learned and accepted that most of my deep thinking happens to occur this way.
[And, as I reread my thoughts, I wonder about the vulnerability I’m expressing here. About those who may read it and judge. Or assume. But those thoughts are overpowered by my wonderings about those who may read it and understand. or learn. So…i’ll share anyway]
as with all cycles, these circular patterns of continuity, I’m not sure where the “beginning” is, if there even is one. So I’ll just start…somewhere.
`At some point in said vicious cycle, I find myself annoyed with the world, mostly with frustrations regarding relationships and friendships and unmet emotional needs. (cry me a river, I know). But really-honestly-truly, I find myself mostly frustrated with myself. with whatever action/inaction/should/or ridiculous expectation I find myself contemplating at that all-consuming moment.
Momentary detour: Through conversation, I was called out on my present fear of commitment. He joked that the truth had finally come out after I smiled at a remark about this very thing. In my head, I thought, “actually, you’re right. shit.”
and with beer-fueled encouragement, I verbalized something I had never said to anyone, not even myself. I told him how, truthfully, I think it’s fear of rejection. I blamed this on the awful experience of having a life, a certainty
we had planned, pulled out from under me, shattering whatever image I had of “future,” along with my heart. Which is why, now, I avoid said disillusionment. Hence the cycle I’m describing. …yeah, I might’ve just made a breakthrough. the moral of this story comes quite early, folks. Let’s continue. That’s probably a bit too much to process on my current level of active consciousness.
`So yes, I become overwhelmed with thought and action and thought about thought. I fall. Usually pretty hard. This typically entails me escaping. Usually toward harmful habits I thought I got over. I might elaborate later. Let’s just say it’s not pretty, folks. It’s filled with flaking out on responsibility and easing into lies and intoxications of the assorted variety. It sets me back. Way back. Though, I must say, the bounce-back is a lot quicker nowadays.
`What follows next in the cycle is a different type of escape, that bounce-back I mentioned. Usually toward solitude and reevaluation. Slowly, I regain determination to fight against myself toward better. toward peace. Toward acceptance. and I usually make it there, obtaining a certain (false?) self-acceptance.
I feel great. Identity regained. Strong educated Latina accomplishing more than anyone thought, than I thought. Sounds like a great place, no? Admittedly, it is.
`So what follows? With confidence comes attracting others. Or at least it seems to happen this way. With comfort and connection, I retrieve to my most natural state, precisely that, comfort and connection. I throw concern and self consciousness out the window. I am comfortable in my skin, aware of the fact that they don’t care, but mostly, most importantly, aware of myself. I like this part of the cycle. Very much so. It’s filled with beer drinking and free-spirits, good dance partners and self-confidence, hard work and little sleep. but mostly, living.
But as vicious cycles tend to go, this is usually followed by that downward spiral toward soul-harming* thoughts of self-criticism, feelings that can only be quelled by the continual feedback loop that i have yet to figure out how to interrupt, overwhelming thought leading to escape.
(*instead of self-harm, which isn’t my style; what I do is still probably as harmful but everyone’s got their thing, que no?).
So now what? I’ve identified the cycle. Good. Great. Pat on the back? Not quite yet. I think it’s good to know what’s wrong at times. Better to know the root. Best to do something to change it. Said realization above regarding the whole fear-of-the-future thing helps a lotta bit. What I need to do now if find a stick to throw into the cycle, stopping that loop, reaching that best. Need some imagery?
Aight, gotta go find that stick now.
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ― John Lennon