confessions

Dear friends-acquaintances-folks from the interweb,

I have a few (very honest) confessions to share. I, as explained below, do this cautiously, hoping to spur thoughts but not judgments. So, here they are:

  1. I find that, sometimes, I am a crappy daughter, sister, friend person. I’ve learned that while others run toward their family, given that they have been separated by distance and goals, I run away from mine. away from the dysfunction. away from the pressures of handling it all. fixing it all. away from expectations. of being strong.
    Confession: I’m not.
  2. life, love, and identity are creating chaos and confusion these last few months. headspace is clouded..& not in the usual clouds-bring-me-peace way but in the i’m-not-in-the-best-place sense. need for escape seems to come more quickly than before as i cycle through peace before it makes its usual lasting temporary impact.
    Confession: i’m treading water and losing energy.
  3. I’ve been writing a lot. on scraps of paper. in margins of notebooks. even  in church bulletins during service. I discover my truths through writing. But i am hesitant to share some of my most recently discovered ones. I wonder what he will think if read. Or she. Or him. Or they. Or you..
    Confession: i don’t like this.

    “The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.” Gustave Flaubert

  4. I’m sharing anyway. Despite fears, vulnerabilities, or feeling exposed. I’m throwing caution to the wind, or whatever other cliché fits. i figure even if i feel at my most naked, open to judgment & criticism, it is my truth. truth that might help others through their struggles, their journeys, their discoveries. given my innate nature to put others first, it makes it easy for me to rationalize putting myself out there with some of the topics i will touch upon and have already begun to explore in hopes of reaching people, helping others, or even simply being a catalyst for further thought.
    Confession: clicking publish may take me an extra second than intended & it still frightens me…but i will do it anyway

Love,
Clouds.

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