there’s always music playing in my head — or living deliberately.

i think i’ve recently learned a few things about the way my mind works. some of these things make me question my sanity. not enough obviously to make any changes at the moment. that would be too logical. instead, just a tad. just enough to maintain that constant thinking and re-thinking i find myself doing. honestly, it’s exhausting at times —

  • as much as i plan, i hate it. with a passion. /slash/ i think i’m mostly tired and, maybe more importantly, a little fearful of the future so i avoid it. the future makes me want to run away. and i often do. to put it nicely (or not so nicely), i’m chickenshit when it comes to the future since it’s always been this just-out-of-grasp, intangible idea that has led me to lose out on many things, including a life i thought i had set & figured out and a few kind souls..
  • i’m pretty sure i may have been related to Thoreau in my past life…or i might’ve actually been him, reincarnated into the Clouds you know and love. seriously folks, look at the title of his book — Walden: Or, Life in the Woods. now look at the title of this post (and a lot of my other posts). now look back at Thoreau’s title. now look back at…okay, you probably get the idea. c’mon; familiar much? add my “constant philosophizing, up in the clouds, love of nature, solitude and tea” way of being and what do you get? …yup. i’m telling you, friends..

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily…” ― Henry David Thoreau, Walden: Or, Life in the Woods

  • even if i could/have/can do it like a dude, i end up thinking like a girl (forgive the sexist assumptions), which leaves me in an even worse state. i should seriously follow my instincts of starting my journey toward monkhood in Tibet; might save me and others some serious heart headaches…

  •  my mind is filled with countless untold stories. so much so that i think in prose, stories forming constantly in my head. while i’m sitting. while i’m walking. while i should be doing other (more responsible) things. i have thoughts written all over; random pieces of paper with thoughts quickly etched in the white spaces, notebooks of incomplete thoughts, classnotes with margins filled with obvious distraction. great for working toward my ultimate goals of writing and publishing and all that jazz. not-so-great for my current must-complete-midterms-and-papers-and-dissertation-proposal-very-necessary-and-unavoidable workload.

Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers. -Isaac Asimov

  • there’s always music playing in my head. seriously. okay, maybe about 95% of the time. and even still, that’s probably an underestimation. and i dance to that music on the regular. bee-tea-dubbs, that can make for some seriously awkward moments. like when you’re shopping/reading/sipping coffee/driving/walking around on a new college campus and dancing to the tune in your head. not saying i have any firsthand knowledge of what any of this is like or anything..
    but yes, music is amazing. much like this lovely gentleman:
  • all of this can get slightly annoying at times. some of those things more so than others are frustrating me to my core at the moment. but really-mostly-honestly, some of those things save me. it all makes me me and i’m starting to believe i’m not half bad so maybe i should count my blessings rather than frustrations and continue chalking it up to how it should be.
i want to get there. to the top. where earth meets clouds..

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