“love me when i least deserve it” — or maybe they’re right..

not sure of the fairness of the above statement. but, i found it somewhat helpful in putting into words my current thoughts.

[fair warning: this may be a bit vague. this may seem to not make sense. this may be slightly self-deprecating and away from the whole “seeking happiness” purpose i usually write about. but really, it’s not. well, it is buuut i’ve written before on how knowing what i don’t want in my life sometimes helps with knowing what i do. in a similar sense, knowing my possibly-slightly-correct-but-probably-potentially-amplified-and-not-so-on-point criticisms of myself may help in that same journey. …or at least i’d like to think this holds a splinter of truth or this post wouldn’t be as helpful as intended.]

i’ve been thinking lately that maybe they’re right.

a little context so you wont be as lost /slash/ you might still probably have no idea what i’m talking about but i want to feel helpful: “they” refers to a handful of guys who have provided me with umm shall we say unfiltered honesty? yeah, that works. a few individuals who have been very honest; whether or not this honesty was (mis)guided by emotions i’m not one to say or judge…so i don’t. and i won’t. i’ve always believed everyone experiences their truth and i have no place to question this.

anywho, back to it. so i’ve been thinking lately maybe they’re right. [here’s where the fair warning kicks in]. i’ve been called selfish. and inconsiderate. and arrogant. and unkind. and cold. and childish. and bitter. granted, this has come from a very small handful of individuals. most believe that i am pretty much the opposite of that. heck, even i tend to believe it most times. but here’s the kicker: what if the aforementioned “they” are right? what if, ultimately, those qualifiers are part of me as well? you know, the whole ying-yang idea and balance that i often strive for and believe in…but in a completely, horribly skewed sense of the notion.

i think of this because i know i’ve hurt a few people. without an ounce of intentionality. far from that. the one (positive?) thing i can attest to about myself is my love and concerns for others….at times, most times to the detriment of my own happy. and peace. but i can’t say with full honestly that i would change that part of me. and i don’t doubt that that unintentional hurt won’t happen again. i can actually pretty much guarantee it will. and i hate that thought. it makes my head hurt. it makes sleep difficult. distracting me from responsibility. leaving me writing past midnight.

i know i don’t deserve the love most give me. kind souls and free spirits enter my life. [don’t get me wrong, i’ve met my share of unkind souls. individuals whose intentions are guided by self-centered desires without regard for others. others meaning me. call me naive but i don’t like assume intentionality of actions, instead believing they don’t know the hurt they cause. projection? perhaps. but that’s too loaded a thought for me to reflect on at 1am]. my main point is that i truly believe i don’t deserve what these kind souls give me, knowing that there is that potential for them to experience hurt. i don’t ask for that love. i don’t know what, if anything, i do to influence it.

and here’s my honest thought, conclusions made (per usual) through writing: i still want it. i, like the proverb says, want to be loved undeservedly so. i want someone to look past themselves and love me for me and not for them. i’ve had that. i didn’t like it. i wanted more. i want more. the actual love-without-conditions, love-me-at-my-worst, love-me-despite-the-potential-for-hurt kind of thing. and maybe this is where those qualifiers might kick in given it sounds sorta-slightly-actually selfish. but maybe that’s not a bad, end-of-the-world-if-it’s-true thought. especially since history has shown i can return the favor if condition of non-conditions is met. [please ignore the contradiction, folks..]

in the end, this doesn’t solely apply to the romantic-sense of the word “love” but is actually rather applicable to love in general. love between family. between friends. between initial infatuations. and, admittedly, between romantic partners. my rationale? imagine the kind of love that could be created if both partners loved in this way..

as always, a little up in the clouds. but i think i made some good points. or at least came to some conclusions that spurred more thought.
…which, thinking about it more, is actually quite the opposite of what i intended. chingao.
well, whatev; as always, i hope it at least helped with discovering my happy. and yours.

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ― Heinlein

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