“eff off,” microexpressions, & the (supposed) real reason I’m single.

 

So I learned recently about this idea of microexpressions. You know, the whole-Lie-to-Me-I-can-find-out-if-you’re-being-deceitful-hey-you-twitched-I-caught-you! stuff. But in a slightly more systemic & backed by pretty cool research sorta way. Anyway, one of the perks about what i do is learning about cool stuff like this.

I have always been one to people-watch/stare/intrude/whatever-you-wanna-call-it-but-I’m-sticking-with-people-watching-because-it-sounds-less-stalkerish. I notice people’s behaviors. mostly just to notice. but also sometimes to think and wonder and assume or create. Anyway, this idea of microexpressions isn’t necessarily new to me. Only thing is I’ve never actually thought about it as pertaining to myself.

I had a eureka-moment, thinking “oh snap this actually applies to me too!” …shocking, I know. I then thought about a conversation I had had with this guy regarding my relationship status. He provided me with some pretty insightful observations (which of course I took at the time as his being full of shit, another one of his i-know-you-want-me tactics, and further signs of his douchebagginess –– it’s a new word). He said that I was single by choice. I asked for elaboration, explaining I would love to find a great partner but really, no one’s approaching or asking or interested. His reply: “well it’s because you have ‘fuck off’ written on your forehead.”

Internal reaction sorta went like this: no I don’t! …do i?? well, if I do it’s maybe because of you. …okay, right, maybe not; personal responsibility, forgot about that. …ahh shit, maybe it is me! Ouch. But no, really??

So, I got to thinking s’mores, as I usually. I thought about what my actions said. Am I sending off some sort of i-wanna-be-single microexpressions that gives out this idea of me not wanting companionship?  Scratch that. The right kind of companionship? Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe it’s not that simple. Maybe with certain people that does come across. Like with him. him who, through history I learned that, while we had a relationship, it was one based on a specific type of interaction. Despite my initial thoughts on what could be, guided by lust & amazing sex, it wasn’t an actual relationship. Despite his words of convincing, words like “I sound like your Sunday,” it wasn’t going to develop into one. Despite continued patterns, it was circular and not linear. So, after some struggle, I took it for what it was. A certain type of interaction. Period. So maybe I was sending out this vibe, this microexpression that said “fuck off”…but maybe it was only to him. Because of all those ‘despites.’

Maybe I came to this conclusion because it makes me feel better and less like I’m going to end up a lonely spinster with an amazing career, wonderful dogs, and no partner to share it with. Or maybe I’m on to something and I have these microexpressions that leak out, perhaps not purposefully but maybe with unconscious intent that serves a purpose. If I find that I attract others (as evidenced by signs of interest from others) and these words, this unconscious and uncontrolled expression, are supposedly there, maybe they’re not written with a sharpie but rather with a glow-in-the-dark marker so to speak, where only certain people in a specific environment can see it. Like him. and others who my instincts want to protect me from while my heart flutters away naively giving and pretending and ignoring my best interest.

Maybe.

Or maybe this is all pointing to the fact that it might be a good time to reflect on this idea of nuanced behavior. In my life. In your life. & mostly, on how it helps with your happy. how it educates your ignorance, solves your problems, protects your heart..

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