Seeing them. Dancing with one another. Family. Friends. Interacting. Happily.
Made me want a piece of it.
I think I could have it back “home.” But probably only in a dysfunctional sorta way. Honestly, it’s probably all dysfunctional to a certain point most likely. It just works because those around are just as eff’ed up as the other.
Whatever. I think I’m just feeling choked by typical that’s awaiting back home and drowned by anticipated. Which isn’t helped since I seem to have been shut down by expectations lately. Expectations of how it should be. Or rather, expectations of what the city has to offer.
I think basically what I’m saying is maybe I’ve outgrown that city. I say this while 1200 miles away, escaping to the city I love, a city I lost. and I don’t like this idea. because it feels slightly condescending in a way. To say I’ve outgrown something. Feels like air of arrogance leaking through without intention, meaning, or truth.
But really maybe probably I don’t like the idea because there is actually a little bit of truth there. not that i don’t appreciate where i’ve been or who has helped shape me into this person that i am today. because i do. with all my heart. I think i just need more, I need different. I need to not pass the house (you know,
the one where I broke my mother’s heart) every day on my way to work. I need to not see the apartment complex almost daily on my commute (you know, the one where
we I tried to make a home but failed). I need to not keep reconnecting with others from my past because it takes me to the past. I need to not think about all the bad decisions and thoughtless mistakes made each time I take that exit ramp. I need to not hold on to something little, probably nothing, telling myself someday, someone must honestly step up after all this time and waiting.
I need to not need-to…
I write part of this as I watch them dance.
And then I decided to change it.
So, I got up.
I realized that if I wanted a piece of it, I had to take it. To make it what I wanted. Not just in that moment, but for everything I just spoke about, wrote about. I can’t wait around for others to create what I’m looking for. I’ve got to do it myself. To grab it. To choose it. && mostly, to just Be it.
Plus-also, it doesn’t hurt that I keep meeting kind souls who humble me and flatter me beyond expectation or deserve. And who can dance. Too bad I’m leaving all this and returning “home.” …but again, seems like all I’ve gotta do is decide to change.
and get up. and dance.
and be okay with not settling.
to do more. and be more.