candle burning scents of vanilla & inspiration — or my(self) portrait

This is my portrait. how I am perceived. through the eyes of my sister, an undeclared artist. it feels fitting, main elements of life-at-the-moment at play. me, sitting at my makeshift desk. wrapped in my favorite red throw blanket. decorative mod lamp, red laptop, candle burning, scents of vanilla & inspiration surrounding me. writing. i like it.

but, sometimes, i don’t like it.

sometimes, this scene takes me to a space of questioning. questioning who i am, what i’m doing, where i’m going, and who i am (or not) going there with.

who i am: i think about my various interests, identities & roles intermingling and interacting, fighting their way to feel heard. young, 20-something Latina. graduate student, licensed professional. daughter, sister, friend. free spirit, adult. independent, seeking connection. photographer, writer. mostly, i feel like a shitty renaissance man woman. always learning. too many interests. not quite there yet. mediocre in many areas, at best.

what i’m doing: i think about how i should be doing more. educating myself more given my overwhelming feelings of being de-skilled in what i do and who i am. reading more, studying more, not wasting a second given the same reason. working more, harder. not living con mis padres. facing my fears, shutting down my excuses.

where i’m going:  i think about how i have no idea where i’ll end up given the fact that it often feels like i don’t know what i’m doing or who i am. moving (forward hopefully) without a map. no direction. little felt support or guidance other than what i can muster up within me.

who i’m going there with: i think about how i am blessed beyond reason or justification. but also about how one of my ultimate goals is being able to share that with another. a great partner in life. i think about if i already met him but never told him. i think about if i’ll ever tell him. if it would make a difference. if it’s too late. if any of it matters given that i don’t know where i’m going. if i’m supposed to wait it out for an amazing partner, an amazing beginning. or if i’ll end up a lonely spinster, filling time and space with false happiness via inebriation & superficial social connections. dramatic? maybe. possible? definitely.

“Maybe, these ideas are pointing to something mystical and true. And perhaps i am judging the idea, not by its merit, but by the fashionable or unfashionable delivery of the message.” -D. Miller

moments like this detract a little from my happy. but, eventually, they add to it. hopefully, eventually comes a little quicker this time.

what are the main elements of your portrait? and, more importantly, how has discovery of this added to your happy?

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