In place of wishing and hoping and resolving that certain things happen in 2013, I decided to do things a little differently this time around. switching things up for the sake of my happy if you will.
It feels like all this past year (and all the years past) I would hope for certain things to happen, feel the disappointment creeping in as I felt time running out with each turn of the yearly-calendar, and yearn desperately for the year to be over, ready to try again. usually around October, and definitely by November, the thought, “i’m ready for next year.” or “next year i’ll do better” comes to the forefront of my mind. inevitably, or thankfully, a new year begins. similar hopes and wishes and wants fill my mind. i try. i do. i face struggle and challenge and disillusion. aaaand i stop. and then i’m ready for the next year. it’s a pattern i learned. it’s a pattern i’m used to.
well, i’m tired of that pattern dammit. i’m ready for change. no, no. i’m ready for something else. i’m ready for action. so, i did. act, that is. i decided (around November when the inevitable thoughts started creeping in) that i was finally going to do more instead of wanting to do more.
here’s what i did. my late-2012-
hope-that-they-carry-over-will-carry-over-to-the-new-year-and-beyond resolutions actions:
- i de-cluttered my room, shed, life. & motivated my family to do the same. [this is something i had been wanting to do since i moved back home 21-months-ago (not like i’m keeping track or anything). boxes, files, stacks of paper filled my room while furniture and plastic bins filled my parents shed for too long. so i bought them a new shed and did something about it this past week, Dec 2012.]
- i took back my self-image. [it’s no secret (or at least it’s not anymore) that i struggle with self image and self confidence. some days more than others. but there were always excuses. or self-destructive shortcuts. i’ll write more on this later. but in short, i am eating healthy and exercising regularly. and seeing good changes. but most importantly, i’m learning to love me regardless and not let body image detract from my happy.]
- i found my italian instruction cds while clearing out the shed. [i took an intro italian language course my first year at a state university. away from home. away from supervision. and closer to things that steered me away from education and ambitions. needless to say, i struggled that entire semester, entire year, before finally figuring it out. i kept the instructional cds and my hopes of someday visiting the country and speaking the language, at least at an elementary level. as of yesterday, they are now uploaded to my computer and ready to be in my iPod.]
- i decreased my drinking. [more on this later. but for the purposes of this, after a final wake-up-call-get-your-shit-together event about a month ago, i stopped drinking as much, completely mostly. really cuts back on the bad decisions.]
- i dusted off the guitar music instruction book tucked into a dusty guitar case, behind boxes, and bins, and spiderwebs, pulled out the tuning machine…& got a year’s membership to online guitar lessons (thank you Groupon). [i received a guitar as a christmas gift from the ex about 6 years ago. and i’ve been “learning” since then. by “learning,” i mean “saying i’m learning but not doing a damn thing toward actually learning aside from telling people of my hopes of someday playing the song from Desperado.” i’m tuning my guitar today and activating the 1-year-membership tomorrow. let’s do this.]
- i disconnected from facebook. momentarily. [it’s been a long time coming. i don’t know if it’s where i’m at in life. or my insecurities not being tamed just yet. or simply the nature of it and “friends” i have. i found myself wasting too much time and too many reactions on it. i don’t trust my self control enough to go back yet. but i miss certain people. and being able to share these thoughts with them. the challenge will be learning to connect/re-connect in person, the way it kindasortaprobably should be. challenge accepted.
and, for now, i won’t go back. not until i can trust myself to not doubt myself or seek out those who detract from my happy. it’s been almost a month now. and i’ve got to say that
somemost of the above has been possible with the extra time that seems to have turned up. let’s see what else i can add to this.]