i’m having a moment — or (briefly) on not running away

[on lessons & happy]

I’m having a moment. A real cut-off-the-world-eat-chocolate-and-reflect-while-listening-to-throw-back-music moment. Life and family dealt me struggles. nothing new. I figured I had two options (courtesy of chocolate-fueled reflections). I could do what I had so wonderfully horribly humanly found myself accustomed to: escaping. running away. throwing myself into false happiness via inebriation & superficial social connections. After about a year or so of this, I was starting to think it didn’t work as well as I pretended. The other option: do something different.

I chose the latter this recent time around. No point in continuing to do what doesn’t work, right? So, amidst the family drama & against my natural inclinations, I stayed. I didn’t run away. I didn’t escape…well, not like I used to. I faced it straight on…ish. small steps, people-friends. eventual big change, no? Yes, I think that’s how that goes.

But the point is I learned something. I learned that it’s easy to run away. to not feel. to ignore. to not deal. to pretend. I learned that I got good at all that. real good actually. I learned that maybe it’s time to get good at something else. I learned that it’s harder to stay. to face the hurt. to feel the hurt. to struggle. And, most appropriate for me, I learned that it’s difficult to find a solution. & even harder to just let it be. for a bit.

“My dear sister…you can’t escape your skeletons in the closet. They will always be there until you take them out from behind those dusty old moth-eaten coats. Your exterior facade of ‘everything is alright’ only works for a little while, and then the cracks begin to show. You can only hide behind yourself for so long. You can’t keep running…” ― C. Buchanan

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