“you can’t let anyone disturb your peace” — or shutting off the noise

[on peace & happy]

I hope this old train breaks down
Then I could take a walk around
And, see what there is to see
And time is just a melody
All the people in the street
Walk as fast as their feet can take them
I just roll through town
And though my windows got a view
The frame I’m looking through
Seems to have no concern for now

I used to be good at shutting off the noise. You know, that chatter, incessant thoughts constantly passing through your mind. slow enough to disrupt peace, but too fast to allow for clear thought. just passing through. I would be able to turn that down and just be, especially while engaging in things that, for me, took me there. Yoga. Running. Biking. Nature. Music.

and then, it stopped. something happened. something changed. I didn’t like it. I don’t.

I’d catch myself thinking. all the time. never a moment of silence, something I was always very comfortable with. and I guess I took it for granted. One moment stands out. or perhaps it’s a collection of moments. I can’t remember.

I was in my 20-somethingth class of bikram yoga.Bikram always took me there. No space for thoughts. only breath. and being. I started it right before the heartbreak and right before I lost a piece of myself. …or perhaps it was right after. I can’t remember. I don’t (want to).

Regardless, it saved me, healing me by taking me away from thought… even if for only 90 minutes. Recently (as in it-still-feels-like-too-long recently), I began noticing that thoughts of worry and everyday dealings couldn’t be shut off, invading my most peaceful places, including bikram. I didn’t like it. I don’t.

I tried redirection. didn’t work.
I tried other, more physical outlets. didn’t help.
I tried writing more. didn’t slow down the thoughts.

I’d catch myself inundated, overwhelmed with noise. during bike rides. during work. during downtime. with music. without.

& then it slowed down.

something over the last few days, maybe weeks, has changed. like the volume has been turned down. not completely off, chatter still audible. Yet, enough to decrease distraction.

Maybe it was the difficult lesson-learned, wake up call moment I had a couple of weekends ago that turned my world and judgment enough to allow for some mah-jor self-reflection. or maybe it was deciding to stop trying to stop it and just let it be. I’m thinking it was the former. Regardless, I think I realized I’ve been the one disturbing my own peace.

I talk to my students about insight, eureka, that a-ha moment. Well folks, this was definitely that. Now to figure out what to do with it… Nothing, perhaps. I think the take-away from this is that that’s what’s best for now. just letting things be, not letting anything, or anyone disturb my peace.

What do you do with your moments of a-ha?

But you cant stop nothing
If you got no control
Of the thoughts in your mind
That you kept in, you know
You don’t know nothing
But you don’t need to know
The wisdoms in the trees
Not the glass windows
You cant stop wishing
If you don’t let go
But things that you find
And you lose, and you know
You keep on rolling
Put the moment on hold
The frames too bright
So put the blinds down low

I need this
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown — J. Johnson

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