[on sad & happy]
the following thoughts came at about 2am one night when I couldn’t sleep. so I did what I know best; I wrote. & realized these words apply to many moments, not just that night. some passed, some present, some to come…
I never know what I think about something until I read what I’ve written on it -Faulkner
and then I decided, I don’t want to be sad tonight. Some days it’s actually helpful. the feeling, that is. Sometimes, it helps me know where I’m at. where I’ve been. & where I’d like to go. helps me appreciate my happiness.
But not today. Today, I don’t want it. and I don’t like it.
throat choked with sadness, making it hard to swallow. symptoms of tearfulness making it hard to leave the room, not wanting to provide the explanation. maybe, not understanding the explanation fully, only a basic understanding of its simplistic complexity. and a few guesses at why it returns ((maybe it’s the loneliness. maybe it’s the misdirection. maybe it’s the having to figure it all out again after having it all figured out)). Still, makes me appreciate my happy. cliched “absence makes the heart grow fonder” sorta thing. fitting. but in a misplaced sense.
But still, I don’t like it. and, today, I don’t want it.
Silver lining? Simply put, knowing and appreciating my sad helps me know and appreciate my happy.
…and still, today, I don’t want it and I don’t like it.
…but I’ll take it. openly.