[on acceptance & happy]
when it comes down to it, I think I only look good on paper.
I’m kind of amazing when you think about it or, rather, read about it. I mean, professionally speaking, I’ve accomplished more than
others thought I thought I would have. at 25. I’m not a fan of bragging or boasting buuut acknowledgment of awesomeness is needed and allowed at times. Nonetheless/regardless/whocares. back to the point. I’ve got a pretty good curriculum vitae (fancy talk for resume). Alright, what else? I’ve got a decent track record for being a pretty great partner. Got it; next? I’ve been called beautiful/pretty/flattered beyond my belief or agreement. Great. and? Aaaaand…then you actually meet me….and you’re like “that’s it? I was expecting special, perfect, amazing, something!” Look folks, I’m not trying to be super judgmental or critical or anything but I think I have a good point. [by-the-by, there is more and I do think I’m pretty special…in my own sorta-geeky-grandma.sweater&mini.skirts-night.owl-morning.person-not-what-you-expect kinda of way:) …more on this later]
How many times have you heard: “He’s the most (amazing/sweet/funny/wonderful/perfect/talented/blah de blah blah) in the world!” — said in a giddy girly voice for full effect….or a normal tone’s fine also; just thought I’d add some p’zzazz to it– or from the other: “She’s (insert any ‘I’m-certain-she’s-the-best-at-this-because-I’m-so-in-love comment here)!”?
I’m going to beg to differ with those statements just a tad. I think the notion of “perfect” in the modern sense of the word is overrated and essentially detrimental. Nobody’s perfect. & we need to recognize that this isn’t a bad thing. Yeah, I said it. [actually, I’ve said it before.] I’m learning to stop looking for “perfect” and in its place recognize “perfect for me.” Actually, I think rephrasing may be more appropriate. more meaningful. I’m learning to stop looking for “perfect” and in its place recognize “perfect in me.” …yeah, that’s better.
Tying it together anytime? Yes, actually. My point (number 12 or 13 probably) is that I’m not special or perfect or better than your previous or past. Nor am I worse or damaged or fit the mold of what you expect. AND THAT’S OKAY.
Actually, I kind of prefer it that way.
Side note to people/friends/homies/self mostly:
When I write, I do so with little editing, writing my thoughts as they come. inserting and reinserting. sharing on paper or screen what flows to mind. Some of you English majors out there will notice this. Clearly. Anywho, my side note: this post did not end how I imagined at its outset. My initial tone (and thought. and feeling.) was admittedly one of self-criticism. or at least of intended critique at my solitude and assumedly correlated flaws. Obviously, feelings changed somewhere along the course of word 197. Let’s reiterate that important shift: I am not worse or damaged or fit the mold of what you expect. AND THAT’S OKAY.
This, this is why words heal me. Without knowing (or perhaps intending), through writing, I helped me. through reading, you helped me. through words (and kindness. and happiness.), we help each other.
Waiting for perfection is not an answer, one cannot say “I will be ready when I am perfect” because then you will never be ready, rather one must say “I am raw and I am ready just like this right now, how and who I am.” ― C. JoyBell C.