“used to feel like heaven” – or on love, infatuation, and heartbreak

[on love & happy]

once again, inspiration for this comes from music. and words. and an amazing voice.:

“It used to feel like heaven. Used to feel like may. I used to hear those violins playing heart strings like a symphony, now they’ve gone away. Nobody wants to face the truth but you wont believe what love can do till it happens to you.” Corinne Bailey Rae

I’ve been in love three times.
Taken over by infatuation twice.
& heartbroken once.

Let’s explore.

On love:

“First best is falling in love. Second best is being in love. Least best is falling out of love. But any of it is better than never having been in love.” ― Maya Angelou

Being in love and the progression leading up to it is amazing. Despite my struggles, I’m not jaded. I kinda really miss it actually. Giving/doing/being for another. Even better when it’s reciprocated. My first experience of this feeling taking over was senior year of high school. Memories unclear but the feeling was undeniable. It was brief. It was amazing. And it ended. Mutually. I am grateful for that experience. Entirely. The second is kind of unresolved. Remember elasticity and relationships? Yeah…I don’t know what will ever become of that. Something amazing? Perhaps. Nothing at all? More probable. Either way, it’s been meaningful, I’ve felt loved, and I’ve learned a lot about myself. Perhaps more than I would’ve liked. And the third? Oh, the third! What tales I could tell! …okay, let’s try again, this time with a little less dramatic flair. The third was…a pretty amazing love that took place over almost 5 years. Amazing adventures. Great discoveries. Hardships. Recoveries. Flaws. Beauty. And, eventually, the falling out of love by one for the other. We’ll pause this discussion for the moment. If you’re English Comp class was as educational of an experience as mine, you’ll note some foreshadowing there. Dun dun dun..

On Infatuation:

“Infatuation is not quite the same thing as love; it’s more like love’s shady second cousin who’s always borrowing money and can’t hold down a job.”― Elizabeth Gilbert

I’ve always enjoyed this feeling. Until I didn’t. mostly because I think my heart skipped the lesson on enjoying being infatuated, taken up in the feeling entirely, while avoiding the pitfall of falling. Anywho, my first experience of this followed the former of the three love tales. Perhaps-probably-obviously-unavoidably this was mistaken at times for love. It was overwhelming, in the best sense of the word and the worst. In a way, it saved me as; in many ways, it defined me at the time. It allowed me to discover me. Unfortunately, this was not in the eureka-this-is-me-and-I’m-wonderful-because-this-relationship-amplifies-this sense. Rather, it took form through the you-are-losing-yourself-in-this-relationship-catering-to-others-and-creating-someone-you’re-not-which-is-not-helpful-for-anyone-involved manner. Yeah…it wasn’t entirely pretty. But necessary. The catalyst? Again, please hold for the heartbreak story.

Infatuation, round 2. This one is kinda somewhat perhaps still unresolved as well. Mostly because I am a weak individual who cannot resist a charming boy with good looks and nice arms who can dance…among other things. Ignoring that for a sec, the point is I’ve never liked the idea of allowing someone to hold power over me in that regard. Probably because it had never happened. Until this year. The experience was amazing. Then sucked big ones. (refer to “heart missed infatuation for dummies” statement made above). Then it was okay. So why unresolved? Well, probably mostly perhaps because connection, though distanced, is still there. No complaints at the moment…emphasis on ‘at the moment.’

Aaaand the heartbreak:

“I’m not afraid of heights, deep water or love. I’m afraid of falling, drowning and a broken heart.”

I never thought that word could be so literal. While I appreciate it now as the catalyst for the purposeful hiccups healing struggles, and passionate mistakes that have followed, it was the most painful experience I’ve endured. I guess that gives you a sense of the wonderfully blessed life I’ve been fortunate to live. Or about how strongly I can love. This came at the heels of celebrating 4 ½ years dating, 1 ½ year engagement, and ½ year back in the city that raised me. While the falling out of love process that had begun 6 months prior probably cushioned the fall a bit, it still hurt like hell. As literal as the term ‘heartbreak’ can be taken without the dire consequences of death, I felt it. I felt the shattered pieces in the pit of my stomach. the numbness came. and went. and came again. hearing the words “I’m not in love with you anymore” can do that. I grieved the loss of a relationship that had defined me. Of experiences I could not see as entirely my own. Of an amazing friend. And of a great love. That mourning I think I know has finally ended. About a year and a half after that unimaginable and unforeseen pain, mixed with moments of infatuation, inexpression of love, and flashes of anything-goes, I think I can honestly say that I am in an amazing place that doesn’t require the forced filling of a void with a partner, and actually believe myself. While I’m sort of skilled at pretending for others, I cannot do the same to myself so that previous statement is saying a lot. I’m open for whatever comes. Be it infatuation, love, or, yes, even heartbreak.

So the silver linings&lessons learned?

On infatuation: enjoy it for what it is. simply.
On being in love: appreciate it. don’t hold back. & be thankful for it, no matter how long it lasts.
On heartbreak: it’s gonna hurt like hell. but it’ll pass. and you will be stronger for it, in spite of it, because of it.

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