“too close to let go, too far to hold on to”
I heard this in a song once.. Given my wonderful memory (*read with sarcasm, lots of it), I don’t remember who sang it, the title, or even the genre. But nonetheless, it got me thinking, as music lyrics usually do. and so, I’ll do what any respectable writer with no greater outlet in life except words does: vent.
Truth be told, I think these lyrics fit me well. Mostly, the fact that I more often than not end up in that ambiguous wormhole that is the space between acquaintances and romantic interest. In this aspect, knowing me from afar, I think that once someone gets to know me, those things that make me me make it difficult to let go…but yet, for some reason, I’m hard to hold on to. Various reasons as to why this is come to mind, differing depending on the individual I encounter: one might be intimidation. I’ve heard this from guy friends, the fact that I have too much going, or that I’m not simple enough. this is fine. I figure if someone does not appreciate my drive, my ambition, my yearning for betterment, then they are better fit for someone else. another may be that I have chosen encounters with males who may not want a relationship. again, this is all fine and dandy. I’m not looking to jump into something but if I were, I’d want that person to want the same. finally, I’m thinking I’m not everybody’s type. Honestly, given that a few years ago I didn’t think I was anybody’s type, I am fine with this as well.
Truth be told, the things that make me me, are qualities that come innately but may not fall into the stereotypical mold of a “lady.” I prefer watching football over novelas…or pretty much anything else on tv for that matter. I’d rather grab a beer & conversation over wine & gossip. I might take running/biking/any-physical-activity-ing over shopping with the girls. Some days, I like catching a sports game over meeting up with girlfriends.
Truth be told, what I find a bit perplexing is my adaptation to some of the above mentioned. I have, in the past few months, found myself consciously choosing my actions instead of just doing. Example: when out with friends, I am not one to say aloud “I’m going to the bathroom” with the intention of having my female friends get up and accompany me. Likewise, I don’t naturally offer company when this is said. I’ve always thought that the bathroom is for…well, you know, bathroom-ness & not hold-my-hand-I-need-a-friend-to-come-with-me-and-gossip. Apparently, I was wrong. and my thought-process caught on to this. After a few blank stares after replying “okay” to this statement, I found myself ignoring my natural being and offering the typical “I’ll go with you” answer. I’ve also found myself passing up on things such as NBA playoff games to go shopping with the girls. For some reason, I just don’t see the statement “I’d rather sit in front of the TV or at a bar watching basketball (or even espn highlights for that matter) than go shopping” going over well with everyone. Also, I have found myself taking advice on dating that
wouldn’t isn’t part of how I do things. I’ve taken to listening to people who make it more of a game, turning up the act, seeking opportunities for jealousy-inducing actions in place of my usual go-with-the-flow nature. This last one is where my susceptibility for influence has annoyed me most. After a couple of incidents of following this “this-is-all-a-game-so-play-it” advice, I found myself feeling stupid, not happier or closer in meeting wonderful people or even having more fun.
Side note: I don’t want it to seem as if I don’t truly enjoy the friendships I have, especially with women; I appreciate the people in my life more than anything, especially given that I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with amazing individuals who contribute in countless ways toward my journey. I’m just trying to find a way to balance social etiquette and niceties with my natural way of being.
`if I hear “how are you still single?” one more time from from another male, I may just gag…
`while I appreciate the thoughts, I don’t need to take advantage of this time to”find myself” or “discover who I am.” I know who I am, what I believe, and what I’m worth. So while I appreciate this time, as I do all of my time, I don’t necessarily need it to see how blessed I am and have been.
`I’m tired of waiting for later. End of graduate school, beginning my profession, meeting someone worth it all. Some things, like life, shouldn’t be put off for later. Later will always be there. I’m ready for now. …okay, all done 🙂